No Serenity

So, it looks like Nina will not be the only person with whom I will be cutting ties so early in 2024.  Serena will be the next person on that list.

I will admit that in Nina’s case, that was a relatively easy decision to make.  In Serena’s case, I don’t know if it’s that simple.  Regardless of how I feel about it, I am helpless to prevent this from happening. Again, I am recognizing that there are obviously circumstances that are beyond my control and I can’t dwell on those details because in the end, what I think or feel does not matter.  I can’t change anything.  The best I can do is acknowledge what is happening, deal with it in whatever way I need to, and move forward.

I don’t want to get into all of the intricate details as to why this happening, but suffice to say that Serena and I were never going to be able to maintain the closeness and intimacy that we created in these past eight months.  I want to say that things started to unfold in these last two weeks, though things had already been in motion for much of the past month, I think.

I had harped on the ridiculously long response times whenever I would send her a text message.  These times became longer in just these last few days, to where I was easily waiting at least an hour to hear back from her.  There was no kind of courtesy being shown there, not even so much as a, “Hey, I got your text.  I’ll text you when I can”.

I spent months asking if she could get to work on time so that we could start our day in a timely fashion and do what we needed to do.  It eventually reached a point where I stopped asking, because I had just given up.  Punctuality is clearly not her thing.  I was willing to show her some grace, but eventually I started to feel like I was being taken advantage of because I’d wait for her damn near each and every day.  Sure, I’d be upset with her, but this did little to change the situation.

She was already looking to reduce the amount of time we were spending together at work and likely outside of the workplace.  As much as she may think otherwise, I saw this coming.  I don’t know why or how.  I just did.  Male intuition perhaps?  I don’t know.

So, we had a conversation today about how things were going to work out, moving forward, as we look towards spending less and less time together.  I figured that I was already becoming an afterthought anyway and it seemed that we were arguing more and more.  Maybe it was the best thing for us to sever the tie?  A small part of me believes that was not something that Serena wanted.  I also believe that she wasn’t anticipating my actions and my decision to completely cut ties with her.

When you spend months with someone, in and outside of the workplace, you tend to become close to that person.  You learn each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.  At least for work purposes, Serena and I had developed a strong partnership and quite the connection, as far as working in tandem.  We played off each other very well and we made it work.  I hate to lose that, but it came to my attention this week (as I’ve been on vacation from work since 01/03/24) that Serena has been tied to someone else, a female, and maybe, just maybe, in just a matter of two weeks, they were building a close enough bond to where our co-workers noticed and were making comments about Serena had managed to replace me in such a short span.  I know that’s not Serena’s fault, nor anything she could have challenged or argued her way out of, as management had asked her to take on this person, but I still couldn’t help but feel that indeed, I was and/or had already been replaced.  Serena adamantly denied this, but again, I couldn’t help but feel like I had fallen victim to the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind”.  Even as I think about it, it still kind of hurts, even though it probably shouldn’t.  It still does.

When my vacation ends on 01/22, I return to working alone again, much like I had when Jackie left at the end of April 2023.

Serena will remain on the opposite side of the office, where I can only assume that she and her sidekick will continue to work side-by-side.  In making the decision to sever ties, I painstakingly told Serena that I would no longer be a resource to her and that I would no longer share my wisdom or insight with her.  I would no longer validate her feelings and I would no longer offer any critiques of how she does the job.  This will allow her the opportunity to become closer to other people, people who aren’t me.

I know it sounds like I’m getting all bent out of shape with Serena building a connection with a new female co-worker and that’s not what I’m trying to convey.  That’s not even that big of a deal to me, because I think that we could have worked through that.  Really, it all came down to Serena looking to decrease our time spent together at work and I felt that I was just getting in her way.

We’ll still be working in the same building and maybe that’ll make for some awkward moments in the beginning, but I know what I have to do.  Keep it cordial.  Minimize my time strolling the office.  Avoid coming in contact with her and the one thing that I know I can no longer do is smile at her.  I don’t think I can bring myself to do it anyway.  There’s nothing to smile about.

She’ll never believe me if she were to hear me, but I will say this.  This truly hurts me to do and I wish that we didn’t end like this.  When we had first met and eventually got as close as we did, it brought back some words that I had heard and read many, many years ago.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. 

At the time, I genuinely believed that Serena and I could have lasted that lifetime, even as friends.  Maybe not necessarily as best friends, but as friends in general.

Whether we opt for “reason” or “season” to explain why we came into each other’s lives, it doesn’t matter in the end.

This is a loss and it hurts.  I just can’t let her see how much it hurts.