Krystelles Question, I’m Losing It!

Confidants Everywhere,

 

Well, what can I say other than “the question has been raised”? I’ve been talking to Krystelle (my eldest) via msn every night, and it’s a wonderful way for us to consistently keep in touch and stay close. I nagged the hell out of my ex wife for months trying to get her to have the internet connected, even offered to pay half the bill if she did, and finally she got dial up put on. Ok, it’s as slow as a slug on sand, but at least chatting is up to speed.

 

Krystie loves it anyways so who care right! There is always the heart wrenching comments she makes though, every single night, and they never seem to get any easier, neither are the questions that just can’t be answered. She’s nearly fourteen, and these are the years I really want to be around her. The boys, the late nights, shit you guys know what I mean! How the hell do I protect her other than tell her what she shouldn’t be doing! If I was her, I’d be saying “fuck you old man”, it’s not like I have any influence over her. It worries me that she’s getting to the age where she is noticed by the opposite sex. Wanna know what her msn line was when she typed; “good girls are good girls, bad girls are bad, but I am what I am and you have to find out”. WTF!!!! How do you think I reacted to that? I said nothing; I didn’t know what to say. She did however change it while we were talking to “Daddy Loves Me”, but for some reason that didn’t make me feel comfortable at all.

 

I guess I should be thankful that she still wants to talk to me at all, cause looking at my own reflection is plastered “You Made Your Bed, Now Lie On It”. I try so friggin hard to justify myself to myself, that I had the right to make the decisions I have, but you know something, this is gods way of making you atone. Guilt, the fukin guilt is eating my soul away! Would I change anything given the chance again? No way, but does that make me a horrible man? Some people would say you have to live for your children, they didn’t ask to be born, I’d say to those people “I DIE FOR MY KIDS EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE”. Every day I breathe air is worth it knowing they are alive, and I find myself crying while I look at their pictures; but still the same question remains about how to cope with the distance from the girls. It’s been five months since I have seen them, and it’s getting harder and harder to cope with. Ani and I HAVE to be focused; the money we save has to be allocated to my getting to Queensland to move my furniture. Sure we can fly the girls here, but that puts us back to square one again in saving to relocate. It’s going to cost around four and a half to five grand to relocate, and since my taxation paperwork for the last three years is buried in there somewhere, I HAVE TO DO THIS! Try explaining that to a teenager and a baby who care for nothing except holding you in a hug, and seeing your face. The god damn government will lock me up if I don’t fix this.

 

A Childs love is unconditional only to a certain extent, once they grow to realize that there is nothing happening NOW, they turn away. Time is my biggest foe, and it is a relentless demon, completely unsympathetic to emotion. You can not beat it, you can not win. I have said this before, every choice we make in life has a down side, somewhere, and something has to be sacrificed. Why is it so damn hard to live with, WHY? Don’t answer that, I know the answer; I’m just screaming it out for the sake of wasting breath.

 

Last night, while chatting with Krystie online a new problem was bought to the surface, and now I KNOW things are in the shit! The kids need to be with their mother, Carol is a wonderful Mum and apart from the nurturing side of it, home is where they are now. Krystelles question was sharp, quick, and demanded an answer, one I couldn’t give. She wanted to know if she could come to Canberra and go to school here so she can be with me…………………..

 

Silence, that’s all there was, till it was broken with the words “Daddy, are you still there?” I took the slack way out and wrote “That’s something your mother and I will have to discuss”. Bringing Krys here opens up a whole new box of troubles, none more obvious than the fact she will be separated from her sister, and Tabetha would not cope with that at all. Also, how will Carol feel about losing the daughter she has honed all this time, devoted her whole life to, loved and educated, cared unconditionally for? The problem is that Krystelle isn’t thinking about that “Naturally”, she wants what she longs for, and how do you expect a child to know sacrifices in life when they haven’t even lived. Oh God it pains me so much! Anika has so much to contend with in me, because I keep this bottled up and it can’t stay capped for long. It oozes out like a septic stink that erupts and consumes all around me when it bursts.

 

My past is my pres

ent, and my future, and now it is Ani’s as well. What makes us a great man, or a great woman? Is it the ability to flick all our woes away without care, to embrace each new day and forget the unsolved woes of the one before? Well I just can’t do that, I can’t just expect that time will heal all wounds when I am the one who made them, and knew I was doing it. I am going through the hardest time of my whole life, and I am going through it alone. I don’t have an answer, I can’t solve this right now, and my stress meter is on Def Con Four!!!! I’ve been sick for a week, I’m not sleeping, and I have this weird headache that sits behind my eyes and won’t go away. I feel nauseous, lose my appetite, drink too much, and raise my voice far too often. All the while I have to be a husband figure here at home, be a father to two boys, and go to work like normal, and act all normal. Something has to give, and I can feel it breaking now!

 

I am lost….. yet I have love all around me, so why do I feel so alone? I’m not asking for an answer, I don’t expect that there is one; I’m just tearing my heart out trying to deal with “now”. I try to be the best for the ones I love and the ones who love me, I build walls, I know in my heart I do, even though it is wrong to do it. I try to be a rock, a person that people admire and look up to, that they believe to be strong. Why, because being that man is better than the one I see now, the one I know better than all of you, the man who really isn’t that strong at all. When you lie to yourself, you deceive the one person, the only person, who can forgive you for everything. I guess now you can see him too.

 

I Love You Guys, I Honestly Do. Sorry for the rant, this time though I don’t feel good after doing it.

 

Luke xoxoxo