Overwhelming situations

Every time i’m frustrated, annoyed or upset i come here to write my emotions, hoping to let it all out.

My head hurts from crying and I haven’t even cried that much. I’m in pain, so much pain, but it’s not physical pain, its mental pain. It hurts to think, it hurts to feel, it hurts to remember.

Last night we were at the restaurant and it was so slow, I told George to send Carlos and his dad home and we could just stay to close, so he did. Chuy came to pick up Dario and we hung out listening to music while they were drinking. Then Dario and Chuy left and George and I stayed.

George started talking to me and asking me why Carlos had privileges because he was constantly on his phone and that i wasn’t telling him anything. I won’t address that right now but i really didn’t want to argue so i just stayed quiet, he kept drinking and continued on to talk and brought up different conversations, about his dad and Carlos and then followed by things related to my children.

This is when things became too much for me. He started talking about Ryan going to college and how he didn’t want him to go far and he had talked to Ryan and Ryan told him all the places where he had applied and George asked why he had not applied to Yale since its super close to us and he would be able to live at home. Ryan told him he wanted to do his own thing, George agreed and told me that he told him ok because it was true, Ryan needed to do his own thing and not do his dad’s thing. that’s how he described it. He said he was having a hard time with that but he knew he needed to accept it. The next phrase that came out of his mouth is what triggered everything, he said to me, “it hurts me, but i have to accept that he needs to go, unlike you because you don’t give 2 shits if he leaves” I stayed quiet and didn’t respond, i said to myself , “he is drunk” and i just let it be. But then he continued on and bringing back up the conversations about Carlos and why he is on the phone when he is working, i just didn’t respond and he started saying how i can’t be a leader, that there’s 2 types of people in this world, leaders and followers and that i could never be a leader like him and blah blah blah. I really couldn’t anymore so i grabbed my things and i told him i wanted to go and he was like no not yet and he asked me why i was getting mad and if it was because of what he was saying about Carlos. I said no, i’m upset because you are always saying that i don’t care for my kids and it offends me when you start demeaning me telling me how i’m not good at this or that etc.  He was like, why are you upset? because its the truth. i told him i just wanted to leave, i was tired and wanted to go to sleep. He told me to leave, that he would get home somehow, i told him we needed to go, he proceeded to tell me that he would figure out a way to get home and that if i was tired then i should just go home, that he was not fighting about the keys or about me taking the truck that he would stay, that he needed his space and that i needed to leave. I knew i couldn’t leave him, one because he was drunk, two because he would always bring it up and say that i left him and that i didn’t care. i told him i was not leaving and that we both needed to go. For whatever reason he just started talking about how much he loved me and how he is jealous if anybody comes near me and he can’t help it. He asked me to never ask him to calm down, because i was not feeling what he was feeling in the moment so to not ask him that. Then he brought up the whole thing about him never cheating on me, he said he has had a million opportunities to cheat on me, the phrase he used in spanish was “he tenido oportunidades chingonas” like he has had opportunities with beautiful women, anybody would say, well that’s great he has chosen you over many others, but all i hear is, theres’ so many women that are way better than you, and then i just feel like shit and my hurt crumbles. I can’t avoid it. He then said, he is choosing me all the time because we have been through very difficult times, and that in the highs and lows i have been there with him and so he has no doubts about being with me. He then started talking about how he feels content because i give him everything he needs and he doesn’t need to go outside looking for something he can do at home, and if he wants to experiment and fulfill his fantasies that he can with me. And the part that just threw it all to shit was when he mentioned his ex-wife and told me how much she enjoyed being banged from behind and that he really liked doing it. I literally feel like my hurt has crumbled to pieces, he then said but i don’t give a shit about her anymore or what she liked. and i’m sitting here like, so why you bring it up? it was so uncalled for.

Now i’m here trying to put myself together because i’m at work, but i keep hearing it over and over again. And i can’t help but cry. I sat in the closet this morning and started thinking how i got here. and i started blaming everyone. its my moms fault, because if she had not been so hard on me when i was young then i wouldn’t  have ruined off with George. I only went to school and to church and to work  at 18 and then came home and watched lina and helped around the house. it wasn’t enough for her, nothing i ever did was ever right. with my ADHD now i know why i used to forget all things she asked me to do. and she never understood me. Then i blamed my dad, because he was never there and how my mom became the way she was because of my dad leaving her. Then i sat there and thought, i should have been stronger i should have just sucked it up with my mom and i wouldn’t be in this situation. i messed up, i’m the one there is to blame for, i made choices, i made bad choices and i get the pay the consequences, but for how much longer?i’m tired of this. i really am.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. I feel like he cares more about other people then me. he is always saying, oh i feel bad for Dario, cause he is not getting paid. what about me? i’m not getting paid…. i’m still here, i worked christmas eve and new years eve, I’ve been working 2 weeks in a row, nonstop, i haven’t had a day off, Dario took off New years day, i didn’t, dario is taking off today. i’m not. so why is he so worried about him but doesn’t say anything about me….. i just stopped saying anything all together because i will never be able to have  a conversation with him, because to him i’m always wrong, i always exaggerate and it’s just a fight without a resolution. so i just let it be. there’s no point on arguing.

Right now i wish i could just go home and curl up in my bed with my blanket and cry it out. that’s all i need.