Why Would I want to do this?

I’ve kept a paper journal for years, off and on. I have boxes of them along with scrap journals and photo albums I’ve made over the years. I’m in the process of cleaning up my space as I have been hoarding things for years, probably trying to recapture days when I was happier. I need a major purge, but every time I set out to do it, I get frustrated and sad. I keep telling myself to start small.

Not really sure why I decided to start a diary here. I don’t expect anyone will want to read the ramblings of a post-menopausal introverted lesbian. I got off all my social media because it’s cluttered with nonsense I’m not interested in. I hardly see any posts from my friends anymore. I just scroll  mindlessly through posts that are irrelevant and then kick myself for wasting so much time.

I feel like flying to Arizona, renting a motorcycle and wandering around the state. But I’d miss my dog. Winter is terrible. I wish I still lived somewhere with mild winters. Why did I leave California?

I have so many regrets in life. I made so many wrong decisions. Don’t let your feelings for someone dictate your life choices. Don’t let someone else influence your dreams.

My brother hasn’t spoken to me in over a year. He’s pissed that I called him out for taking money from Mom. He’s such a lying manipulator. I blame Mom for throwing me under the bus after she literally cried for days on end at my last visit because the other 2 kids were bleeding her dry. But she lets them. I can’t believe anything she says. She called me last week to say how sad my brother was and how he’s upset that I’m mad at him, he loves me so much and wants to reconcile. She knows this because they had a “long talk about it.”  Truth is, that conversation only happened in her head. The fact is, when my sister told him I was coming home for a visit he said, “I don’t give a fuck.” Doesn’t sound like someone who wants to reconcile.