My day on the 27th

I woke up around 3:17 am/4:40/5:20/7:40 and then at 9:27 am I could not sleep well. My husband was home, and our dog was ok…later I kept talking to my husband about me not being with him physically and emotionally that hes all alone. It hurts cuz im there anytime he needs me, at least i try. I feel like I don’t count when he talks to his friends, I’m the last person to know about his plans. he says “I told you about it!!!”… I feel stupid cuz I don’t remember. We argued about it and I hated it. I hate when he makes plans without me and at the same time, I have to go on with his plans. I feel like I’m just a doormat, when his hungry I’m there, and when he wants sex I’m there, when he wants emotional support I’m there. I’ve been there as much as I can. I have my demons to fight every day, feeling like I don’t belong here and that no one loves me it’s enough for me to feel alone. He started to ask me if I could go with him when he had to go somewhere and besides my pain, I was there. I’m there but it seems like it’s not enough. He mentions the divorce every time we get into an argument… I say that “if what you want”?? ok just say it. and that’s what he wants, it’s to make people happy around me.. but it doesn’t work that way. People can be mean and can hurt you, I’ve been trying to not think about a divorce but if that is what he wants it’s ok by me. Good nite

scribetoday

Do what you can to keep your marriage alive it’s lonely on the other side

ManDeAcero

You are not a doormat. Your opinions matter.

I am still my own person. I like to make plans and talk with people about random things. I like being on time when I say I will be there. I like to help. I don’t know the solution for this. I want to be able to come with me on my adventures. And I kinda want you to feel bad if you don’t. After 16 years, of course I understand your condition. I don’t want your pain and nightmares to hold you back from living life.

You don’t sound happy, to me, if you feel like you have no voice. I will never prevent you from speaking up for yourself. Matter of fact, I will always encourage it. I will voice mines too.

Right now we are not on the same wavelength. And I think that is okay. We get out of tone every once in awhile. But we are still in this war with the world together. I am focused on building a better future. I have been working hard to work towards it. I think you see that. I like spreading ideas and positivity. Not for them. Selfishly, for myself. It solidifies the connections in my brain so that I react the way I want. It’s my habit that I have been nurturing.

I don’t mind jumping onto the hamster wheel with you once in awhile. I can’t stay there long though. The future I envision requires me to absorb and calculate. I want to experiment. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn. And I want to express myself.

I’m here for you, bops. I love you.