a very different christmas
i woke up around 5 am this morning to a very quiet house, as the baby and my daughter are not awake yet. so i allowed myself to lay in bed for a while and feel the immediate sadness that surrounded me knowing i won’t see the other grands on christmas this year. this month is a year since i’ve seen them. the first time in the 11 years since the grand babies started being born, that christmas isn’t at my house. the first time in those 11 years that i won’t look out my kitchen window while i’m preparing dinner and see them playing in my yard. the first time in those 11 years that there won’t be christmas paper flying madly while they all open presents in glee. i’m still in such awe that this is happening at all, and the confusion never ceases. i wonder always…what do their moms tell them as a reason that i’m not there. i sent them something for their moms to put under their tree from me, so that they will know that i thought of them, and that i love them dearly. i just hope their mothers give these gifts to them.
and now i’ve dried tears and i am up, working on having a day where the focus is on what i “do” have. this precious little grand daughter of mine is not yet four months old, so she doesn’t have a clue what today is, but i am still excited to sit in front of the tree with my daughter and open all the presents both my daughter and i bought for her, and to exchange gifts between my daughter and i as well. and then, we will pack a diaper bag and our gifts for my brothers house and the goodies we made to contribute to the snacking that goes on all day and we’ll drive there to spend christmas day and a delicious christmas dinner of prime rib. it will be just my brother, his wife, and my mom (who lives with my brother, as she is aging and can’t live alone). my ex husband will show up at some point, as we’ve remained friends and he’s still a huge part of my family…everyone loves him. it will be a small gathering and a quiet day in comparison to chrismas’s past where four older grands ran around causing a kind of loving, excited chaos all day long. but i am aiming to enjoy whatever today is, because i am grateful for this family that i still have in my life, and there is nothing else that i “can” do.
i feel like i will have to put on some sort of happy face. they all know that today will be hard for me, and i expect alot of looks to see how i’m doing. what i wish, and i’ll try…is that whatever face i muster up for the day…it will be genuine. that i can truly be happy and present with all that i do have and not continuosly be lost in what i don’t. it isn’t as easy as some may think, trust me. the losses are heavy. they show. how could they not? this year that is the baby’s first christmas…i lose the others? it should be a day where her sweetness is part of the chaotic joy that used to exist. she should have had the chance to be part of what’s always been. instead the older four don’t even know her. i know she doesn’t know what she’s missing, but i do and it breaks my heart.
the sun is out here already, but it is chilly. it is a beautiful day in california. i am moving on and forward, because it is my only choice.
to my beautiful bug, bear, lucy and bee….i love you so much more than you can ever know and my not being there with you today doesn’t change that. you are in my heart wherever i am, and it will always be that way. i hope you have so many happy moments today that you don’t miss me. i don’t want you to miss me, because it hurts me to think of you sad. i wish you christmas magic and i hope that you are surrounded by lots of love.
merry christmas my babies. merry christmas all.