where or how to begin

i think this past week has been a mixed bag for me.  the struggles were/are:

that i’m facing this christmas without my older four grandchilden, and so mailing them cards with gift cards in them, just reminded me how cheated i feel in this area, how much i miss them, how much it hurts.  for me…there is so much love folded into those cards, but that’s hard for them to understand and so something just definitely goes missing.  i keep telling myself to just be grateful that they are all alive and well, and while this is true and the most important things…it does little to ease the ache in my heart.

and also that it was my sons birthday on thursday.  39 years ago i became a mother for the first time.  and i miss him in ways that cannot be conveyed in words.

it seems that the theme of my life is “missing people that i love”.  it’s what i hope to move away from in this coming year.  somehow.

the positives of the week:

i have been on yoga matt regularly, and i feel better for it of course.

i went to a christmas party for my work.  last year i didn’t attend, and this year, i really had to talk myself into it.  i just don’t FEEL social or worth being around.  i haven’t been out to do anything in a very long time, having become a bit of a recluse.  okay…having become a TOTAL recluse.  i go to work, i watch the baby, and i find comfort in the routine.  it feels safe.  stepping outside this comfort zone is NOT easy for me.

but this comfort zone is not right either.  its more that i hide from life, and it doesn’t make any sense at all, when i’d really love to figure out how to LIVE life.  i’m just so mistrusting.  i just don’t want to form any new attachments and risk losing anyone or anything else.  i can’t handle any more loss.  i truly don’t think i can.  but again…i see myself in my own way, keeping myself from something i want or desire, even if i can’t yet name it.

i need to find a way to honestly FEEL like what i have in my life is “enough”.  it’s not that i don’t place the proper value on my daughter and grand daughter or my family (mom, brother, sister in law).  it’s that i let what i miss…what i don’t have over-ride all else.  i don’t mean to.  i don’t want to.  but it’s incredibly hard to stop missing…to stop feeling the loss of these people i love so dearly.  when i say i want to move away from this place i’m in that is filled with “missing them”…i don’t know how to do it.  i feel guilt for even “wanting to”, because it feels somehow wrong to just turn the other way and move on with life.  it feels like saying, “okay…it doesn’t matter anymore…i’m getting on with my life”.  and that’s not at all what i’m saying.  it matters ALOT, but…i AM needing to get on with my life.  but how do i move away from something that matters so much?  from something that has been all consuming?  from something that breaks me a little more each day?  how do i let go?  and what does “letting go” really mean?  how do i put myself together again, cause honestly i feel so strewn about, and like i don’t know where all the parts and peices fit anymore.  i only know that they can’t fit the same…ever again because parts of  me are just…gone.

this isn’t intended to be a “woe is me” entry.  i am just trying to stay as real with myself as possible and that “real-ness” is pretty messy.  i am aiming to take a journey that i really don’t understand…i only know that i need desperately to find some inner peace.  but “how” to do that…i haven’t a clue.  what i am trying to do is…lay all my own cards on the table…the messy ones and the easier ones and see if it doesn’t give me some sort of direction, because i know i’ve made it a habit to stuff down certain things in order to avoid pain.  maybe it’s time to face the pain?  allow myself to actually FEEL it, instead of just talk about it?  i don’t know.  what i want is a plan…some sort of guide, but i don’t where to begin.  i don’t know how to get thru my own walls of self protection, or if i should even be trying to, because i think those walls have saved me at times, from succumbing to certain pains.  but my understanding is that you can’t get to the other side of anything, unless you go THRU it, and going around it only keeps the baggage piled up and heavy.  i’d so love to get to a place in life where i don’t feel like it’s baggage, but more experiences that i’ve come thru.  right now tho…it’s baggage, and it’s heavy and i drag it along with me every day of my life, cause i can’t figure out how to put it down and properly unpack it, without falling apart in the process.  i put so much energy into NOT falling apart…to always holding it all together.  i can’t afford to fall apart.

i am not sure if there is proper time in my life to devote to myself for this journey either.  everything is “i don’t know”.  but inside…something is screaming for change and peace and freedom.  i hear her and i know she is me.  but i don’t know where to begin to free her.