UUUGGHHH

I’m just lost. And he doesn’t get that.  I’m trying to find me and where I belong.  I have no friends, no family, no kids, no career and I have no idea who I am anymore.  I’m tired.  Everything is an argument.  If I wouldn’t be married, he would have left by now.  He told me himself.  I don’t need him.  I never did.  I miss my counselor.  I miss her so damn much.  Yeah, she cost a lot, but it beats not having anyone.  I want a family.  I deserve that much, I think.  If I wasn’t married, I could probably go find a single dad or someone to grow with.  Someone to build with.  But if I stay here, I’ll only stay sad and depressed.  Can’t see any of the kids like I’d want to.  Today is my godchild’s second birthday, I should be there.  Hell, I’m a cake decorator, at least I could have made his cake.  Here we are now like two weeks later and I still got no phone call from said stepdaughter.  (read one of my last entries) I got no invite to said godchild’s party.  Which I was told by one of the kids it’s supposed to be on Christmas Day.

I wish I had a momma.  It’s so damn hard as a woman as it is.  Not to mention I’ve been sick every weekend this month.  Yes I’m still sour AF about my birthday.  I really thought Desi and the husband had something in mind for me.  I was wrong.  I hate the holidays.  I’ll be home alone for Christmas.  He’s going to go visit his family back home in Louisiana.  I’ve been in my feelings lately.  I just really wish I had a momma.  Maybe I’ll make a wish list for Christmas and put that at the top!