Paid in Full. It’s over.

Sitting in the shower floor. Just me and my thoughts. As usual. It’s basically the nightly ritual. Amazingly, the water bill hasn’t went up much. Endless hot water tanks are where it’s at for this anxiety and pain.

My weekend was – useless. My budget. Ha. Forget the budget when I can drink. Just some beer. Maybe a lot of beer. I have no idea. Just enough to be numb for a moment.

Friday night Max actually sent me the last of the rent he owed me for the last two months. We’re even now. At least in that field. With that money I had exactly enough to pay off the credit card that houses the IVF and pregnancy expenses. The expenses of all I lost.

I thought I’d be thrilled to pay that off. I was just posting an entire entry on it. Instead I saw those numbers. I updated my budget. While sitting at a corner table in my favorite brewery. I quietly said out loud, to nobody but myself, there, she’s paid off, it’s officially over.

There was no relief. No thankfulness to end the year without that debt. My heart broke. All over again. Shattering when I didn’t think anything was left to shatter. It’s over. She’s gone. The dream of her is gone. The dream of ever holding my own baby again. Is over. She wasn’t a business transaction I was paying off. She was my biggest dream, hope, answered prayer. I was paying off my biggest dream. A dream I got nothing but heartache from. With that I tried to swallow beer but I felt my eyes welling with tears. I quietly went to the bathroom, turned on the water and sobbed. Crying to that girl in the mirror. With the empty, lifeless eyes. Then I composed myself and drank every beer I was allowed.

Just like that – it’s over. The end.

2024 better be far better than this or I’m checking the hell out of this world. Seriously. I can’t imagine a year being worse than this one. However, I know there are many more to come. Hard years. Rough years. Years I don’t want to around for. My grandparents are in their 90s. I’m running out of time with the only people that ever truly loved me

Christmas – stilllll doing nothing. (They – meaning grandparents – don’t celebrate Christmas due to their religious cult. So, it doesn’t matter there.) The rest of my life is full of assholes and I’m completely content to sit here and do nothing. I’ll be anxious and sad either way – so why subject myself to the shitty people. Maybe I’ll find someone good to spend it with. I’m not holding my breath tho.

I seriously can’t wait for this year to be. And next year actually. 2025. Please hurry the fuck up.