yoga

it is tough to get ones mind in the place of beginning anew somehow, during holiday seasons when so much is reminders of what has been, and is no longer.  but i am making the effort to remind myself of what i HAVE, and to bask in that, rather than lose myself in thoughts of what i’m missing.

i spent the morning in my kitchen, as i do every sunday.  i cook for the entire week on sundays.  this began when i returned to work a year and a half ago (after being at stay at home mom and grandma for years), and i found that after a days work and coming home to do my yoga practice, cooking was sort of…in the way.  i just didn’t have the proper time or energy at the end of a day to cook a meal, and cooking for only myself was another thing that had made meal time somewhat luster-less.  i am up before 4 am to go to work, and so fairly early bedtimes were my routine when i first began working, which meant that by the time i was home, and did yoga, and had a shower, there wasn’t the time to cook properly.  i eat very specific for a few different reasons, and this means that restaurants and fast food are not part of my options.  so…sunday’s became the “fix all” with the meal situation.

its become a cathardic thing for me to be in the kitchen cooking for hours on sunday, while my weeks laundry is also purring away in the washer and dryer. and in the end, i have containers of breakfast and lunch that i grab on the way out the door to eat at work, and a dinner ready and waiting when i’m home and it’s time to eat.

things are changing right now, and i’m trying to find a new balance.  my daughter works at nite, and i’m blessed to watch my baby grand daughter while she works.  i TRULY consider this a blessing, but sometimes i have to face the fact that i’m not as young as i used to be and having a full time job during the day and then coming home to be on baby duty each nite and on weekend afternoons is not as easy as i would like it to be.  luckily i’m physically very healthy and i know this helps ALOT.  but still…when i climb into bed each nite, i’m exhausted, lol.

i’d never change this tho.  this opportunity to be there for my daughter and help raise my grand daughter, means a great deal to me.  not just in light of all that’s been lost this past year, but also because my heart is right here with this situation feeling it’s what “I” need to be doing, and its not just for my daughter.

and so this brings me back to my yoga practice, and how it’s suffered with this new schedule change.  i really need to find the proper balance.  and i know it’s do-able…if i just put my mind to it and stop making excuses about how tired i am.  i know first hand that the only true way to create energy in your body is to exert energy, and i learned this when i was recovering from covid three years and was so weak after coming home from the hospital that just a trip to and from the restroom was reason enough for a two hour nap. thats actually when yoga came into my life.  i was trying to find a way to heal my body, to get back any kind of strength at all.  i found a wonderful instructor who met with me in zoom sessions four times a week, and slowly my body healed and i gained strength and then a wonderful thing happened.  i found myself healthier than i’d ever been in my entire adult life.  i’d changed the way i eat completely to focusing on consuming ONLY what fuels the body.  i lost 75 pounds.  restorative yoga turned into power yoga and vinyasa training, and my body thrived.  i was able to get off three medications…2 for high blood pressure, and one for high cholestoral…i literally undid all the unhealthy things in my body.  physically….i’m very healthy…i only wish that mentally and emotionally, i felt the same way.

but before i digress…which i tend to do alot, back to yoga.  it’s not just something i want to do.  i feel it’s something i need, and this imbalance right now makes alot of other things feel out of balance.  so, when i finished cooking today, and the baby was sleeping….i pulled out my matt and did a 30 minute yoga session.  it doesn’t feel good yet…and i know this process.  i am not limber from just two months of being away from the matt.  my age makes it even more important to stay diligent in this practice.  but…”I” feel good for getting this very important ball rolling again.  my sessions with my instructor (who i no longer have) were an hour and they were intense.  without that person to be accountable to, i tend to be easier on myself.  i’d like to be my best advocate in this area and be a little tougher on myself because i know full well the benefits of it and how i’m not feeling them as of late.  with my instructor it was four times a week for an hour, but i think if i can manage to get in 30 minutes on a daily basis, it can balance out the same.  i just need to practice what i believe: yoga is not just a work out for me or something i just like to do.  it mite not be the same for everyone, but for me, it is a way of life that has literally healed me from the inside out and that i know will keep me as physically healthy as possible as i venture into the years i’m venturing into.

if i can find a way to get past all the pain in my heart and actually find some sort of life…i want to be healthy enough to enjoy it.  it’s the emotional and mental health that i need to heal now, and i am just not sure how to do that.  maybe i have rediculous worries, but i feel like there just isn’t enough life to keep “fixing” all that is broken in me.  when will i get to the living?