Sunday 12/17/23

10t28a.m. I had another lousy night. Arthritis was acting up something terrible. Then I only got changed once so I was lying in urine and feces. If this wasn’t bad enough my oxygen was not connected to the machine. I o me without oxygen all night. Chocolatechip said I could of died from this neglect. The way I feel now I wish I had died

I have arthritis pain all over my body. I am crying out in pain. The pain ?level is a 5 on a 1-10 scale. Pain is so terrible. I am also so very tired. The aides got me up at five. I slept in my wheelchair until breakfast I ate bacon and French toast. The coffee didn’t help matters. I went back to sleep until it was time for the Social

I made my way to the Fiesta Room. I’m on my second cup. I’m starting to feel better after three cups of coffee. I wish I could have just one more cup. But the coffee hour is over. I will stay here until they serve lunch. I’m just too tired to make my way to my room.

They have the Fiesta Room all decorated for Christmas I the afternoon they are going to be singing Christmas songs and passing out Christmas gifts. I’d like to attend depending on how I feel. My Christmas spirit is very low. This might be the thing that would put me in a better mood. Besides I’m still hoping against all hope for a $25 Amazon gift card.

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They have two trees nicely decorated plus stockings hanging from the fireplace in fact the whole building is all decorated for Christmas. This nursing home does a lot of nice things for the residents. I will give them credit for that much. I just wish I could get better care.

1:14p.m. They served turkey, dressing, peas. a dinner roll and pumpkin pie for lunch. Lunch was delicious and I ate it all. I made my way back to my room. I called Chocolatechip. She spent her morning cleaning up and baking. She made a few dozen sugar cookies. I asked how long did thAt take? She said three hours. Chocolatechip also talked about a correspondence course from SCI. She said it was pricey and would take three years to pay it off. I said you don’t need a three year financial obligation.

I was talking about the party. Chocolatechip said I should go I might get a gift card. I said I might pass on it because I’m not feeling well. Besides I don’t want to go down there smelling like urine and poop. She said that might be a good idea. We talked until she had to take meds and wanted to lie down.

I really am not feeling all that great. I ate a big lunch and it made me very bloated. I asked for some Mylanta at the nurse’s station. She said they will bring it down. So far she is another show. Despite everything I’m half tempted to go to that party. There just might be some goodies for me plus a gift card from Amazon.

3:37p.m. I went to the party in the Fiesta Room. It wasn’t much of a party. There were only three women as attending. They were not talking to me but I felt they kept watching me. I didn’t feel comfortable. There were no carolers either. There was this girl playing the sax. She wasn’t very good. The gifts consisted of a pair of socks and a very small bag of candy. It does not look like I’ll be getting a Amazon gift card this year.

I made my way back to my room. I called Chocolatechip. I told her about the so called party. I know I sound like Scrooge but I said the party sucked. It made me depressed instead of cheering me up. I said you were the only one who bought me a Christmas gift back in September. I also said I would have been better off staying in my room reading. Chocolatechip said the nursing home still might pass out presents. I said I don’t look for that to happen.

I had to cut our conversation with short. The aides came in and put me to bed. I’m glad I’m in bed and off the hoyer pad. I’ve been sitting on it since 5am, over 10 hours. I feel pretty comfortable with dry briefs on. Also I’m not in any arthritis pain. I hope I can concentrate on my book Song of Susanna.

6:07p.m. I had a piece of pizza and a cup of pears for supper. It wasn’t much but I wasn’t hungry after that big lunch. I took a little nap before supper. I woke up thinking it was Monday. I quickly regained my bearings when the aides brought in the dinner trays.

Chocolatechip went to bed early. She has an early doctor appointment. I didn’t get a chance to say goodnight. I miss her at night and get so friggin lonesome. I wish to hell I had someone to talk with in this place. I never was very good at socializing.

I got a bit depressed this afternoon. That so called party was a big disappointment. I really was looking forward to an Amazon gift card. It doesn’t look like I’m going to get one or much of anything. I got an early present from Chocolatechip. But would of been nice to get something on Christmas. It looks like Christmas will be just another day this year.

I’m going to put all that out of my mind. I will not let a minor disappointment degenerate aff a full blown bout of depression. Life is too short. I have books to read and I want to study my Bible. So I can’t afford a pity party.

7:28p.m. My Christmas spirit has packed her bags. I feel so depressed and lonesome. Reading anything is the farthest thing from my mind. I don’t!know why but that stupid Christmas party depressed me. I r been going downhill since. It hit me big time during supper. Supper was ok but I said to myself I will die if I have to spend another day in this frigging nursing home.

Ok I’m depressed and I don’t know how to pull myself back up. I fell so helpless and things look pretty grim. Hell with presents. It would be nice to ha ve a lousy visitor. But that ain’t going to happen. Jesus I must have been a real louse in my misspent youth. Like I said I’m a firm believer in . Going through so much physical pain on top of mental illness is my my payback

Not a single visitor or a single card from my so called family. My family just doesn’t give a good shit if I live or die. Fuck em fuck em fuck them all and have a ball. Being ostrizizized hurts even more during Christmas. You might as well rub my nose in dog shit.

I’m sorry for the above rant. I’m in a very dark place right now. This is a very bad time of year for me. It always has been for some reason. I will be glad when January 2,2024 rolls around.

Uringm

Ump?