turning the page

mistakes.  regrets.  deep disappointments.  all consuming anger.  many losses…in many different ways.  soul crushing estrangements.  a kind of heartache, that can’t be described with my own words.  a sea of sadness that i’ve nearly drowned in.  a limbo of confusion and waiting…

 

for something to change.  for something to get better.  for deeply heartfelt wishes to be answered.

 

no more.  i can’t do it anymore.

 

i didn’t think…couldn’t imagine that the years i’m in now…would be like this.  when you are young, you imagine these years with the love of your life by your side, sitting on a porch after years of life and love together, having gotten thru all of the ups and downs as a strong-bonded unit, watching our grandchildren play in our yard with the kind of free abandon that only children possess.  at least…that was one of my imaginings of how this period of my life would be.  but somehow, things took a completely different turn, and to say that i haven’t been brought to my knees by the chain of events that have occurred over this past year…would be a bold faced lie.

 

i made the choice to leave my marriage, for so many reasons that my children didn’t know or understand, because you just don’t tell your children your marital woes.  you don’t want to upset the stability they feel knowing their parents are married…even tho they are grown, with children and families of their own now.  i stayed because i didn’t want to upset the balance or cause pain.  i stayed until i couldn’t anymore.  until the UNhappiness i felt, began to scare me, and for me the decision to leave the marriage became something i considered my last chance to find a happiness i’d never known…or sinking into a depression that i feared would get the best of me.  and my children didn’t understand.  they still don’t.

 

and the very reason that i left the marriage to begin with…a quest for happiness, has been completely lost due to the choice i made for this quest.  the reverberations of how this affected my children and my relationships with them has kept me in an ongoing limbo of pain, and second guessing my own needs.

 

no more.  i can’t do this anymore.  its time to find a way out of the limbo, and began that quest, even if i can’t figure out how i’m supposed to do that in light of the losses. i don’t know how to get over feeling like a bad mother, because my children have been hurt by a choice i made for myself, so much so that they no longer want to be a part of my life at all…taking my grandchildren with them.  i don’t know how a good mother goes forward without children.  but i have to figure it out, because i cannot change the choices they are making to stay away.  they are grown…these are their choices.  and i can’t wait for the rest of my life for them to change their choice.  i can’t keep hoping that they will come to a place of understanding that MY happiness matters too.  i can’t wait for their love and support, when their anger has all but erased those things, it seems.  i’ve waited long enough, and as a result, i have managed to “exist” in this life, without actually “living”, and that is NOT what my initial decision was about at all.  to find my way back to that decision, is something i need to figure out how to do, because i fear once again, that if i stay in this place of UNhappiness for much longer, i will not be longed for this world much longer.  one can only drown in sorrow for so long.

 

i’ve questioned myself a rediculous amount.  was i a good mother.  yes.  i was a good mother.  i was a great mother, who gave up her life to be their mother….without an ounce of regret, because it felt like an honor to help them all come into their own as people and forge lives that will make them happy.  it was an honor!!  was i perfect?   hell no.  no one is perfect.  but i was a good mother, and no one can take away from me.  not even my children.  so…if i believe that, and i do…then i’ve got to let the second guessing myself and the feeling like i’ve done something wrong…go.  i’ve got to let it go.  i’ve got to move on.

 

what i realized at the end of my marriage, was that in my years of mothering and being a wife, i completely lost “me”.  i don’t regret this. i gave of myself willingly and happily. as their mother, i was happy.  in fact, mothering has probably been the one place in my life that i have actually known happiness.  as a wife?  i tried….i always tried to be what someone else would want or love, and that was the problem.  i could never feel real happiness within marriage, because i wasn’t myself, and i wasn’t myself because i never believed that “just me” was good enough.  so, i tried to fit the bill and be what he wanted.  don’t get me wrong.  there were happy times in my marriage too.  he was/is a good man, and there were years that we did well together.  but thru tough times that came and went, as tough times always do…i was always alone with my emotions.  i came to feel not seen or heard, but only looked at and listened to.  there is a huge difference in those things.  to have someone look right at you, and know that they don’t SEE you, is one of the most lonely things i have experienced.  to be in a room full of people and feel alone is lonely.  i knew i needed something, but i didn’t know what.  i only knew that i was NOT going to find it in my marriage.  so, i made the hard decision to end it.  to start over at my age, which has been terrifying.

 

i didn’t want to be supported by husband.  i was leaving him…why would i want to still be dependent on him?  i could have easily gotten half his pension, and alimony as well.  but…that would have meant i was living off of him…and it wasn’t what i wanted. i felt the need to be completely independent.  i went back to work, after years of being home with my children and then watching my grandchildren as they came along.  i lived in a mode of “auto-pilot”, not breathing, it felt like…for a long time, trying to be sure that i could keep my home, and eat, and put gas in my car…all on my own, and without relying on anyone, for the first time in my life.  in fact…it was actually the first time in my 58 years that i found myself living alone.  i’d never done it before.  it was fear filled at first.  i was afraid at my age that i couldn’t find work, that i wouldn’t have the energy to keep everything up.  but i have managed to do it, and so in those areas, something in me has relaxed.

 

but in matters of the heart….i’ve lost my family over this decision, and i struggle daily because of it.  the losses…in one year have taken me down.  and it’s time to get back up and figure out this business of “living”…whatever that means.  and on this note, i need to point out the positives and the joys that i’ve also experienced this past year, because it’s those things i will be holding onto as i turn the page and step out this misery.

 

i have three daughters. the older two each have two children.  its those daughters and those beautiful grandchildren (the majority of my pain is from the loss of them in my life)…that i’ve lost.  my older daughters so angry with me over decisions i’ve made for myself.  i don’t think i’ll ever understand their anger completely.  they are grown.  my decision did not impact how their lives go on.  i understand being sad that i’ve divorced my husband…i don’t understand the anger that has come off as if i have hurt them personally.  but anyway…thats how it is.  i have a younger daughter, who is very much in my life, who found herself unexpectedly pregnant during the time i was going thru the end of my marriage battles.  and i chose to be there for her and support her, because she chose to have her baby.  my older two daughters, are also angry at me for this.  for supporting their younger sister in an unmarried pregnancy.  so they haven’t spoken to their sister either.  and their anger at me piled up.

 

but my youngest and i have battled thru all the heartache, all the abandonment of those we love, all the pain it’s caused us, and we’ve done it together, supporting each other.  i have her in my life…and she’s a blessing to me.  and now, i have her beautiful baby daughter as well…another huge blessing.  and these are my greatest joys right now.  in fact, truth be told…my daughter and this new baby may very well have saved my life this past year.

 

i have found a joy i didn’t expect, in returning to the work force.  i’ve been lucky enough to get a job that not only supports me well enough, but that i love, so i leave work each day feeling very much that i “made a difference” and that i matter, and i can’t convey how good that’s been for me.

 

i have one dear friend of almost years, but she lives an airplane ride away and i don’t see her but a few times a year.  other than that, i do not have friends.  being dedicated to my family was where all my time went.  i did not have outside friendships.  i regret that now.  but it is what it is, and there is some hope that could change going forward…i don’t know.

 

to say that i feel broken…would be an understatement.  i feel like i’ve drug myself along on my knees thru hits and losses that have kept coming at me, and i have come near to bleeding out.  but i think i’ve come to believe that “I” have to actively make some changes in order to heal all that feels broken inside me, as well as come to terms with what can NOT heal…to accept what isn’t going to change, even if i wish deeply so.   healing is not going to come while i remain in this limbo “waiting” for it.

 

so…it’s time to take myself off the painful pages of my story that i’ve been stuck on/in, and move to a page where i can begin to write a new story.  maybe even a new book, if the years are good to me.  the only thing i know for sure today, is that i can’t keep letting the pains rob me of the joys.  it’s time to focus on the joys instead of the pain.  its time to figure out how to breathe…and maybe even live, instead of just exist.

 

i want to use this journal to write about a “forward journey”, tho there will inevitably be backward looks as well.  i just want to find peace in my heart….somehow.  i want to feel like i can enjoy some sort of life, without mistrusting that it will only be taken away, and therefore i don’t let myself enjoy it in the first place.  i want to be brave enough to let my guards down…and experience something that i can’t even define.  i just…want…to…LIVE.

 

and i just have to figure out how.