Rambling…

So, Monday was my 35th!  Yay! Right?  How about not, cause it sucked just like any other day.  I started planning my own birthday party back end of June, early July.  I had all the party decor in my cart on amazon.   Probably totaling about $26.00.  I was so excited for this party cause I haven’t had one since I was 16 but that’s a story for another time.  Any who, I called and messaged 8 different people inviting them over and got no from every one of them.  So, I thought about it, and I decided to maybe compromise and see when they were free to have a get together and none of them had any free time to set aside for me.  I have no family, but my stepmom offered to go have lunch with me and sit with me while I got my nails done.  Maybe I’m not appreciative of her enough.  I don’t know.  I just figured someone would have showed up for me.  Husband’s kid’s kids didn’t even call me.  What’s messed up to me about that part is he told me last week his daughter would call me.  I’m still waiting on that call.  I told him not to tell me stuff like that cause they don’t like me and how it’s all fake and pretend for him, but he tells me anyway.  I’ve told him several times about how it hurts me.  He doesn’t seem to care.

I miss having a family or people that care about me.  Just seems like I can show up for others but no one can show u for me.  Every weekend so far this month I haven’t been able to do anything or even go get a drink.  It just sucks.  My biggest fear is dying alone.  I hate the thought of it.  Another thing that scares me is what if something was to happen to me like really bad?  The people of today’s world are so crazy and there’s a lot of bad things happening all over everyday.  No one would notice I’m gone or missing.  No one would look for me.  No one cares.  I mean yeah, my husband would notice but that’s only cause I benefit him.  He wouldn’t come for me just like last time I’m sure.