Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens: The sense that your life no longer makes sense, like a story where the plot suddenly takes an unexpected turn.

Being back here living with my dad feels like I’m a teenager again. These past 3 days have been crazy to say the least. I feel uncomfortable all the time and I don’t know when that feeling will go away. That’s fucking scary. At work, I always ask….Do you have any fears? I think about my own response and it’s always zombies, deep bodies of water, aliens, etc. Although that’s all very true, I think I’m currently living through what I fear the most. Life without him. “I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you”. We didn’t make it and that’s sickening. Nothing makes sense and it hasn’t for the past few months. When will this end? I’m terrified that this feeling will never go away. I find myself mentally checking out at the most random moments. It’s almost like the emotions are too intense for me, so my brain shuts off as a means of survival. This almost feels unreal. It resembles a bad dream that feels real but isn’t. Except, this is real. I’m usually genuine with how I present myself. I smile because I want to. But lately, the smiling is forced. I mask my sadness with humor. Why? Who fucking knows. I can get quite morbid too. I have made about 15 suicidal jokes within the past 3 days and that was me holding back. Are they jokes though? I can’t really say yes. Again, nothing makes sense.