The theory of silence, and the beauty to live a life worth writing about.

Sometimes I wonder..no, I fear, that I would never write a book. Never write, and then never publish a book.

See, when it comes to love, I hide my love so deep.

So deep that you won’t see, that you can’t see it.

I want my love affairs to be hidden at the bottom of the ocean, and can only be seen if the effort is so true that you would swim to the bottom of the ocean to meet me there.

This is probably why it’s been taken me about ten years to retreat to a scene of creating beauty in a long-term setting. Well, atleast I have chosen one field to work in. Well, 2-3 but all relating to one source: art. And I’m also going to actually have my own business. My. own. business. But this is another fear. I’m going to embark on a journey that will take me places I have never been, and through waters I have never sailed on. And I know it will also let me sail and dive deep down to the bottom of the sea to fall in love again with so many of my lost treasures that have floated away and sank to the bottom of the sea. Some of them I have added a heavy brick to it’s base before I let it float away so it would sink down there quicker and faster than most, to be seen by the least amount of others (if any) as possible.

There was an old coworker who recently posted about how they have written a whole book and recently published it themselves. The thing that they said that stuck out to me the most was how they were talking about how they have received the title of their book, and how they saw a physical sign that pointed them to that direct title. And they described it as that sign reflected the story that was created in their head. And how they put that story down on paper.

And I wonder..when was the last time that I had a story in my head that I wanted to tell? To create a full storyline for? I did think of a story – one that I developed in my mind’s eye probably in like 2018/2019. But I could never finish my stories. See, I can create small short stories or I can write poetry. But I think any story I want to share is still at the depths of the sea.

Well, today I announced to the person of direct leadership that I was going to leave the business sooner than I had stated. We’re closer than most businesses out there, so I asked her not to hate me. She said she didn’t hate me, but she was mad at me. Then she said well, I saw this coming. Here I am wondering to hear anything about my behavior or about any forms of inspirational theories she might have had out of nowhere about me, but instead she said “that’s just you”. Because yes, in the past I have left this work many times knowing that my time in these settings has expired. Nothing more than the truth hurt at that moment. And it is the truth. That I sign up for something I don’t really intend of enduring fully. But do you struggle the whole time or do you believe in yourself when it’s your time to go? So the fear that I had to tell someone I could no longer commit to a goal I set in place, and I had failed that goal and their need. That was painful, but I have survived.

In a short amount of time, I will be unemployed by any company and will be self-employed. I will have enough time to create, think solely on what I want to create, produce, and advertise. I will actually have the driving force for the life I want. I will have my own studio. ..At first when I was starting out these sentences, the words felt odd and negative, but good Lord did they start to sound more better and positive.

You have to let go of the things that are holding you back, in order for you to live the life you want. Feeling bad is normal too, because it shows that you are human and compassionate and caring of others. But it is time to start be caring of yourself and your wants and needs now.

And as for the story to write, you can sit and silence and hope that a story will come to you to write about, or you can go out and see what it is to learn a life worth writing about. Characters are created by those we see, hear, and most importantly those that we feel are worth creating a story-line about.

I get it now..for so long my mind went blank on my imagination. I stopped creating art, I stopped acting like the person I wanted for myself, the person I saw myself developing into, and I stopped dreaming. I internally told myself that I will never get there and that the life I wanted was no longer mine. So I did nothing. So I sat in silence.