Jake is gone

So much has happened since my last entry. Fast forward to March 3rd. Long story short, things didn’t work out with Marc. When he visited me, he was affectionate, playful, fun. We laughed together and it was easy-going. For the next month we talked on the phone and FaceTimed every day. he invited me to Germany and so I went. I needed to see if this was something more. I was even learning German for him. But when I got to Germany, something changed. he wasn’t relaxed. Although. he was with me he seemed far away. Closed off emotionally. He was quiet with me, but he was charming and sparkly to everybody else. Whenever we were having a good time together, he would do something or say something to ruin it, and piss me off. Almost like he was doing it intentionally to push me away, which was very confusing, because he wanted me to meet all of his dear friends and his family including his parents. Yet here he was having me ride a hot and cold roller coaster. I don’t do roller coasters anymore. I am too old for that. I need consistency. I told him I had no idea why he was suddenly acting so different than the Marc I had been getting to know, and whatever the root cause I was not the person to be able to fix it. He needed to do that himself. I ended the trip early and came home. Three days later my beloved cat, Jake, who has been my constant companion for 16 years passed away.

He was old and had many health problems. I have been keeping him comfortable on many different types of medications. He honestly should’ve passed away years ago, but I spent thousands of dollars to expand his quality of life. When he could no longer go to the bathroom by himself, I knew it was time. My veterinarian came over to the house to put him to sleep. I held him in my arms and kissed him as his life faded away before me. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I completely broke. as soon as he was gone, I wanted him back. I kept saying I made a mistake. I made a mistake, but I knew it was the right thing to do. To hold onto him any longer would be selfish. it would be for me. I was so angry at myself for spending the last week with a man who meant nothing. Jake was my everything and I should’ve been spending that time with him. I was heartbroken. Even now, as I write this in early December, tears are streaming down my face.

I’ve never been this sad. Not over a break up, not over any other loss. I think I understand grief for the first time. The world looked grey. I had a constant cloud over my head. I lost all motivation to take care of myself. I gained 15 pounds. I ate all the shitty food. I stopped working out. Stopped sleeping. My hair started falling out. I was looking at photos. At the beginning of the year, I was bright eyed. Faced. Had beautiful hair and skin. I looked good. Now I look in the mirror and I see a hard face that looks tired and old. I don’t feel pretty. I can’t fit any of my clothes and my skin has broken out. This is what grief does to you. But I can’t do this anymore. The year was almost over and I need to get out of this slump. I know some people would think “ It’s just a cat how can she be this sad?” But that cat was everything to me. He comforted me through so many hard times in my life.

I miss him, but it is now time for me to get out of this slump. I allowed myself to grieve and now I need to put on my big girl pants. I can’t keep going on like this. I want to lose the 15 pounds I gained so I got on Weight Watchers. Clothing is too expensive to have to buy a whole new wardrobe. I would rather just fit in the things that I have. I have a lot of travel plans for next year as well. Dating is off the table. I need to focus on me and once I am back to my old self. I’ll feel confident enough to start again. For the first time I’m actually excited about a year being over. A fresh start is just what I need.