Sunday Ramblings

I look in the mirror and I see tortured eyes. A girl holding on by a thread. Just pieces of the me I once was. Broken, tattered, aching.

As I got in the shower tonight I looked at myself. Truly looked. The lights gone. It’s been gone for a long time. Yet, today is the first day I’ve really acknowledged it. The beaming face so excited to have a daughter – is just a shadow of what it once was. My bloated, pregnant stomach that was becoming blatantly obvious – it’s finally gone. Replaced with just flat nothingness. I laid my hands on my belly and thought of the size I should be now. Yet, she’s gone. It’s gone.

I struggle to eat these days. Anxiety and depression always does that to me. It kills my appetite. Makes it so I become violently ill just a few bites in. It’s nothing new. So, it’s not a shock the pregnancy weight is gone. Another 20 pounds and I’ll be happy. I prefer skinny. You can look like whatever. I just want to feel my bones. To feel I have control over something.

Another day without tears. Just numbness. I slept until noon. Went and had a giant beer on my way to the store. Grabbed my scripts. Came back home and went back to sleep at 3. Got up in time to fold Ds clothes and feed her dinner. Now I’m showering and going back to bed. Praying they find this girl a new home. Soon. Like this week. Because I am REALLY not meant to be an adult, parent or caretaker of anyone right now. Because I cannot take care of myself currently.

I’m dreading work tomorrow. Back at it. Back to trying to put on my best face. Only hopeful that with this dosage of meds my numbness can continue and I can at least fake it through the days.

I’ve got a new routine which I think is helping with the night. Sleep is an illusion quite often. Back on the full dosage I take 1/2 a Klonopin and then come sit in the shower for awhile contemplating life. Then I take a full Klonopin and a Benadryl for good measure and manage to fall asleep and sleep mainly through the night. Progress. I feel like the dosage earlier gives my body some time to begin relaxing vs taking it all and just praying for sleep.

Max may be back tomorrow. I don’t really know. He said he would be. But he’d originally said he’d come back today and he didn’t. So if his sister throws her usual tantrum he’ll stay longer. I’m at such a “blah level” I don’t even care. Never come back. Just pay rent for a few more months so I’m good to go. Haven’t talked to him today except to reply to a couple stupid texts. No, I’m not mad – I don’t care – I’m sleeping. And, no I don’t want anything from Walmart. Wtf? Why would I?

He called last night and it was more of the same. Yet, this time he was telling me about how they didn’t want to do anything he did. They did “let him” play disc golf for 6 holes tho. Let him? I kindly told him if that was me and we were on vacation and couldn’t both do things of our choice he’d be angry, resentful. Yet, they walk all over him. When you invite someone to visit a new place – Don’t you do the things they want as you live there and can always do what you want? Selfish assholes. It took forever before he could even admit that yeah, it might not be fair.

Then he tells me his sister said I could come in February when they finished their guest room and we can go to the brewery’s they already went to – because you know, he pointed out to her I’m the one that likes them, not him. (I’m sure she took him in spite of me. Because I’m realizing she’s a manipulative bitch.) He said he told her I’d probably want a hotel…

Absolutely. She doesn’t make me feel welcome and until something changes I won’t stay with them. I won’t disrespect her husband and his space. They have massive changes to make before I even try again. Plus, I won’t be part of “letting me” do something. If I’m going on a vacation – I’m doing the things I’m looking forward to too. Not being your little pet because your life sucks. I pointed out I ALWAYS stay with friends or family if I can because it saves money and gives us more time – But those people make me feel welcome and give me a great trip. So, no I don’t generally get hotels – However, I do get them when needed. I don’t need to see her fancy house. I want to see a home. Not overpriced fixtures or countertops that cost more that my 2023 car. No. Thanks. Make it a home. Then we’ll talk.

Haven’t heard from him tonight. I’m sure he’s tired of me pointing out the flaws in this trip, in this family. But I’m done sitting back and taking it. I’ve spent 2 1/2 years as a doormat – It won’t be happening again. Fuck. That.