Falling Apart…

I feel like I’m falling apart.  My life is falling apart.  Everything is simply a mess.

I’m not okay.  I haven’t been okay for a long time.  Lately, I don’t know if I’ll ever be “okay” again.

I’m giving up.  I feel so defeated.  The harder I try to create my happily ever after, the more I end up heart broken.

With that – I literally quit.  I can’t help another person.  I can’t do another volunteer activity.  I want out.  I want to withdraw into myself and be alone.  Alone has to be better than the aching pain in my chest.  At least I can ache without having to function if I’m alone.  At least I can lay in bed and cry.

My therapist says she’s worried.  This has been going on for 2 months that’s she’s noticed a deep depression.  It isn’t getting better.  We need to find a way to pull out of this funk.  Good luck to you, if I could pull myself out of this I’d of already done it.

I talked to my licensing person for foster care yesterday.  My license is up for renewal on 1/31/24.  I asked what happens if I don’t renewal.  Nothing – just let her know.  Okay, I’m done and won’t be renewing.  As of 2/1/24 I will not get a call to take another child.

Also, as of 2/1/24 I won’t be able to have D as I won’t be licensed.  Which is a large part in the reason I’m closing my home.  Her worker said she’d look for permanency for her.  Yet, she isn’t.  She’s got her with me, she’s safe, the worker has moved on.  Which isn’t what I agreed to and I don’t want this specific child until she’s 18.  So, I quit.  I can’t handle worker’s not doing their job.  I’m not okay with leaving kids in limbo for 7+ years.

Quite honestly, this age isn’t for me.  Caring for someone else when I can barely care for myself, isn’t for me.  I want to be left alone.  She is an ungrateful child – trauma or not.  She has grown up in the system expecting to get what she wants, believing society owes her because of the shitty cards she’s been dealt.  Literally.  (That’s a whole new post.)  I used to want to help with that, improve that.  Today, today I give up.  Nobody owes you anything kid.  Pick up your shitty cards and work on creating a winning hand.

So, by 2/1/24 – I’ll be alone.  I’m hoping it’s a couple weeks before that quite honestly.  I did text today and asked if it could be sooner and advised I just wasn’t doing well.

I quit taking all the supplements.  All the extras.  All the things to help with egg quality and IVF.  Why bother?  Why keep spending far too much money when it’s over.  Muted the Facebook groups.  Left groups.  There’s no reason to be a part of that.

I won’t be doing another retrieval.  I won’t be doing another transfer.  It was all… for nothing.  The only thing I gained from the IVF process was heartbreak.  So, much heartbreak.  A heart that has never been so shattered.  I just finished my spreadsheet up as I’d kept track of every penny:  $29,069.43 to break my own heart.  YAY for myself  You’re freaking awesome.

Max has said he doesn’t want to do more.  I’m not doing more alone.  I’m not bringing a child into this world to suffer like I have.  To feel alone.  To feel like he or she has nobody.  And if I don’t have a partner to raise the child with – That sweet soul will only have me.  That isn’t okay or acceptable.

So, it’s over.  My heart hurts.  My heart will always hurt.  This means though – There is no reason to eat healthy.  No reason to not drink.  No reason to lay off the benzos.  None.  I have ZERO purpose or need to keep doing the things I’ve done to myself over the last 12 months.

I’m down to 3 dogs after losing King Snow.  I’m not getting any more dogs.  As they go.  I quit.  They’ve got a decent number of years left most likely.  However, someday, they’ll be gone.  I’ll officially have nobody left to care for.

Alex will be done with college in 2 years.  Once, I don’t have to sign any Parent Plus loans with him – I have nothing left to force me to keep working here, to keep working anywhere.  The thought of selling everything and living in a tent sounds great.  The thought of not living at all sounds great.  Did you know if…. The parent dies or the child dies that the loan was signed for – The Parent Plus loans are closed.  The end.  Owing money is over.  If I die, he won’t have to pay it back.  I can’t die while he needs me to sign for school.  But, I don’t have to live when he’s done with school.  It won’t financially save him a ton if I didn’t live.

My relationship… Today, today I feel like I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years with someone just to get my heart broken over and over.  Today, I feel like I mean nothing to him.  Like I’m disposable.  Literally.  I don’t understand how you can tell someone you love them so much and then discard them like their nothing.  It’s basically over at this point.  I’m not fun enough – you know, grieving, broken me isn’t that great.  He’d like to just move out.  I’m the pathetic one begging him to stay, because I simply cannot grasp being alone right now.  150% alone.  Wow…  A few months ago I was planning to have a beautiful baby and spend my life forever with this person.  Now.  Now I’m planning on living in my house, alone, until I die.

My friend Jeff died.  I saw him Saturday.  He had hurt his back a few weeks ago and finally had back surgery.  Then he got pneumonia.  He was okay though.  We talked for a bit.  He was getting better and stronger every day he said.  Then he simply turned around and died on Monday.  They think he threw a blood clot from the surgery.  I don’t know.  I’m sad.  I’m angry.  This is bullshit.  I was supposed to call him to go have a beer.  I need the beer more than ever today and he’s fucking dead.

Yeah, after all this I texted my therapist.  We’re adding another session tomorrow.  She’s worried.  Me too dude.  Me too.