Reluctantly Looking Into The Mirror

As I mentioned before, I’ve never considered divulging my age on this site.  User “rav diablo” used the phrase “advanced age”, which is actually the same term that I use at work to identify those who happen to be older than me, even if they’re only older than I am by a year or less.  “Advanced age”, at least to me, isn’t offensive, disrespectful, or demeaning.  I kind of like it and it’s refreshing to see someone else utilizing that same verbiage.

I don’t know if I’m necessarily misunderstanding interpersonal relationships, though I will admit that in the early stages of my relationship with Serena, maybe I expected too much of her?  This was the case because for the longest time, I firmly believed that between the two of us, I was the one who was exerting the majority of the effort in keeping us afloat.  I assumed that I was doing all the proverbial work and consequently, in maintaining this mentality, I was very quick to accuse Serena of not caring, based solely on what I perceived to have been her lack of effort.

I know now that I was wrong on so many levels and Serena and I finally talked about things and came to an understanding that we show our love to each other differently.  I tend to be more expressive with how I feel and even with what I’m thinking.  Serena spends a lot of time thinking about her feelings, to where she takes her time before finally revealing how she feels and what’s on her mind.  What I also came to learn is that whatever it is that I happen to be feeling about her, Serena feels the same way about me.  I want to spend as much time with Serena as I possibly can.  She wants to spend that exact same time with me.  I think about Serena all the time.  Apparently, she thinks about me in a similar fashion.  I feel this wave of happiness and joy whenever we are with each other and even when we just happen to see each other.  Much to my surprise, she feels this same way when we’re together or when we happen to catch a glimpse of one another.

I’ll be the first to admit that Serena and I had some challenges in the early going and even just weeks earlier, as I’ve previously chronicled.  For the last week at least, I want to say that Serena and I fallen into that proverbial groove, though I know that what we need to do is build on that and not regress as often as I think we have before.

I don’t want to say that I currently hold any grudges against Serena or even that I held grudges against her in the past.  I know that I had been mad at her before and she’ll be the first to admit that I don’t do a very good job of hiding this from her.  What I do know is this.  Serena is very resilient, even though she doesn’t see herself that way.  I have been mad at her before and had many thoughts of severing all ties with her (and doing so without even telling her) and in the end after I’ve told Serena this, she still wants me to be around and to be a part of her life.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s love right there.  Serena could’ve written me off and that would’ve been the end of things between us.  But no, here I am and here we are.

I know that we are a lot stronger because of all our trials and tribulations, though I would’ve preferred not to have developed this strength through all of the arguments and misunderstandings that we’ve had in the last six months.  Still, I am grateful to have her in my life because she really does mean the world to me.  I care about her deeply and I truly want to be a source of support to her.

I know that I’ve made my mistakes with her, but in the end, it is reassuring knowing that she is going to be there for me, just as I intend to be there for her.  I know that I have to be a better person for her.  I also know that I need to look at what I’ve done, as reluctant as I might have been.

Sometimes self-reflection is also a necessary evil.