Still in bed

I don’t understand what’s going on with me. Today I planned on getting some things done…but I still am being lazy. I ate pizza, burger and fries yesterday…I said today I was going to diet today but instead, woke up eating a full meal…then just now I ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes and Mac & cheese…all bad. I really should work out. But nope, I’m exhausted still.

I don’t want to do anything.

I complained to Shervy. He just says, “I know you want more.” The thing is, I don’t know what to do anymore to get ahead in life. I don’t want to go back to school. There is nothing in life I rather do that being on a film set or performing on stage. I must admit, I kinda make fun of the musical performers in my head. Something about it seems so weird. When I perform, it feels more authentic. When I sing, it’s with passion because I know I wrote those lyrics. Maybe it’s the same with Taylor since she writes the majority of her music(I think).

im not sure what to do anymore. Nobody wants to help. The guy from HBO doesn’t respond back anymore. I still haven’t heard back from Apollo. I don’t know what to do.

I just made a purchase for led eye tool…that made me happy. I didn’t pay for it…Shervy did. Whoever said money can’t buy you happiness was tryna be optimistic…that shit ain’t true. I felt like shit just now but then when I bought something I felt better.

self care always makes me feel better too. I have a 10:30am facial treatment tomorrow so I definitely got to workout at least once. You are not supposed to work out for a couple days after a microneedling treatment. So we shall see what happens.

I just put on some eye patches. I feel a little better already. I keep yawning like I haven’t slept in ages, even though I am getting 6-7 hours every night. My under eyes are beginning to show age…cuz when I smile I see all these wrinkles piling up above my cheeks…I probably shouldn’t have cancelled my Botox appointment a few days ago. I’ll just schedule an appointment to get Botox in December, during my winter school break.

I’m a bad mood. I decided to stop cussing..I know I said this before. But I really mean this. I thought cussing would help me fully express and emphasize how I felt but I rather challenge myself and express myself in a more intellectual manner. I don’t need to curse…it’s just a cop out. I’m going to try this while I’m driving too. I heard myself say: shit the fuck up bitch, when someone honked at me earlier…then I heard a voice say, be a Christian alllllll the way.

I feel like if I’m going to go to church, and not stealing or smokingvweed…might as well throw out cussing too. All the things I wanted to steal, I bought off eBay today. I think I got blessed just now with the eye thing I purchased just now because I went to Walmart and did not steal one thing.

oh my gosh, Walmart is packed…and the thieves are out! I heard over the intercom: “we need all associates to the fitting room, repeat all associates to the fitting room”…that sounded like somebody went to the fitting room to make their 5 finger discount. As for me, I don’t care if it’s one avocado, I’m not going to avoid scanning it.

I want to live right in every way. I listed to Victoria Osteen preach then Joel Osteen preach. Victoria was saying: “I know you doubt/wonder if God sees/hears you in this huge crowd, but He does!” Then Joel says: “we must be bold in our prayers and believe!”

 

the thing is : I HAVE BEEN A BELIEVER AND HAVE PRAYED BOLDLY….it’s just been a loooooonnnnnnngggggg time and nothing has really happened yet. I mean, I’ve been living in the hood for over a decade now. I’ve been driving old beat up cars for even longer than that. I have never lived any place really modern or had a new car…everything always used or old. I think that through all the years, I’ve lost that fire that I used to have.

im basically giving it allllllll to God now. Like literally surrendering all. But you know what bothers me? How the bad people have more…for example, prostitution starts at $500 an hour. Why is that amount equivalent of 50 hours of work for me & takes one week?… But on the other hand, I’m sure having sex with strangers would be detrimental to my health, physically and mentally. My soul would ache if I were a prostitute….so I should stop even comparing myself to others. But there are a lot of girls with Lamborghinis and wearing labels where I live, that do it . But then again, I know there are prostitutes…and I am not…I carry myself differently. I look almost innocent.

today at Walmart a lady began to ask me a question about my looks: “where are you from? Your ethnicity?”…I told her then said to her how beautiful she was….she told me her age and then I told her how young she looked. But in reality, I didn’t think either…I only said it bc I knew she needed to hear it. You could see the happiness in her face to hear that…

I wonder if people lie to my face as well?… One time a stranger told me how sad I looked. It was the only time I believed what someone said about me…she said, “it sure is hard to make you smile, huh?”…I never forgot that.

today, I had a stranger write me about my music. He said my song lifted him up when he was feeling down. I thought it was sweet that he reached out to me. I always respond to my fans. Most of them are men and women in their 20s, 30s & 40s….it’s actually the perfect age range. I’m thankful my song reaches anyone. I thank God that happened today. I just wish I could be satisfied with that one person though…

I rewatched when Taylor Swift got her first MTV award for best music video. She thanked her little brothers high school for allowing her to shoot her music video there…I instantly thought, “HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO SHOOT A MUSIC VIDEO AT THE SCHOOL I WORK AT???”…one can only imaging that God will make that dream come to fruition.

I think maybe today will be the day I start reading the Bible. I hate reading the Bible though…but I’ll try. But it may as well be in braille cuz I don’t understand it…but I’ll try. It just seems so outlandish…like you really want me to believe that the sea parted like that or that someone LIVED in the belly of a whale???? But supposedly, these events took place.

when I watched Napoleon yesterday, it was interesting seeing all the traditions back then. No electricity, people got their heads chopped off in front of crowds, everyone dressed in corsets…like so odd.

I just want my life to START, but I’m almost 40. I feel it would “start” if I had a better foundation, like a place to live. I’m happy here but I would like a bigger closet and a washer dryer. I would like a better car. I would like a career that I could be happy doing.

I’m ok where I am right now I guess. I got a good body weight. I can afford things…not everything…but I can afford to go to the hair salon and get an occasional facial.

 

I’m still wishing to get out the country…London, Paris, Monaco, Italy, Greece, Jamaica, Africa…I want to take my parents with me!!!! I want to spoil them so badly. I want them to experience the GOOD LIFE at my expense…

I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle…I want to be happy but I don’t know if I want marriage though. I don’t like having to see the same person everyday. I sleep in a diagonal too…and I sleep naked…and I get up at least 5 times to pee….I don’t want to share my bed or even bedroom with anyone. I’m a weird one…cuz I don’t ever long for companionship.

I really should stop complaining … I really do have it good. No kids, no gray hair, not overweight, got money in the bank, got a job, got my own place, got a fabulous wardrope, perfumes are on the way in the mail, hair is getting done tomorrow…got a gym membership to work out tomorrow….I got it good. Not to mention the God given talents that was given to me…

I just thought of Erica…dunno why. I know she’s probably hurt that I blocked her but it was for the best. She was so closed off and it was only a one sided conversation when we spoke…too toxic. I don’t want to hurt anybody though..

 

Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my sins..knowingly and unknowingly. I pray you can give me renewed strength. I pray that my energy surges back so I can get some work done. I still need to do my edits tomorrow and work on the lyric video. I pray that you guide me on my journey and lead me to the right people. Ever since I quit smoking, I have not been able to focus. I felt so weak and ashamed today because I opened a backpack and it smelled like weed. I took a deep breath in and loved the smell and looked to see if there was any weed left behind. I was upset because I felt so weak. I felt sad because a huge part of me wanted to smoke. But I’m glad I saw how I am still a recovering addict & realized how careful I have to be. I can’t just hang out with anyone or just be anywhere…everything has to change in order to stay free from temptation. I pray you bless me with new ideas and give me the strength, drive and renewed energy to follow though. If I’m being completely honest God, I know I’ve been self medicating for over 18 years…if smoking was the problem, then I’m so sorry it took this long to finally make a change. I just pray you can touch my life in such a miraculous way that everything changes so I know that was the reason. Let me be more than ready. Touch my voice so I hit octaves never reached before. Touch my mind so I can memorize huge scripts with ease. Open doors that no man can shut and protect me from my enemies…in Jesus name, amen.