Depression or Laziness

I’ve been in bed for days….this is the third day where I literally spent the entire day in bed. I only leave the house briefly for food then bring it back to eat in bed. I really should be careful because my complex is infested with mice and roaches. Luckily I only see a baby roach in my apartment once every other month if that(bc I like things clean). But lately, I have been careless about cleanliness….like eating in bed.

all of my neighbors are so ghetto that they leave huge bags of trash on stairwells and in hallways, leaving the stray cats to rip them open in search of food. The place where I live is quite depressing. Today, I saw my car has two new huge dents and a long scratch on it. I believe the tenants give zero fucks when they park. One time I was in my car and this bitch ass man slammed open his car door into my car, leaving a dent. I said HEY! He ignored me and just went on his way….these folks out here are ruthless man!

anyways, I’m in bed per usual. I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m just living a life I secretly want to live if I didn’t have bills to pay. The thought of leaving to go anywhere seems exhausting.

when I go out, my hair is all wild looking. I got spots of cream over my face. I wore tie dye pants and an oversized sweatshirt from an old boyfriend I stopped talking to over 6 years ago. I don’t care about him but I still like wearing the sweatshirt. I never think about him when I put it on…and I don’t mind that it was his…I don’t have any animosity towards him. He did get me pregnant like 5 times on purpose and never wanted to pay for any plan b pill or abortion…but that’s my bad for even dating a scallywag. Hell I was just as bad for being with such a loser.

 

ugh….why did I even bring him up…moving on. E and I haven’t spoken since she laughed at me (in an evil condescending way) when I was talking about my career. I’m glad that weird energy is out my life and I don’t miss her whatsoever. I’m actually glad she gave me a reason to cut her out my life completely.

I just am so aggravated….I took a Pause and wrote(Dmd)Apollo on IG. I won on their stage once in Harlem. This was a long time ago…six years to be exact. I just wrote them this:
What can I do to be invited back on the stage or have assistance with my career? Can you please send me a point of contact? I look forward to getting a response back. Happy Thanksgiving

 

i wonder if they will write back..?…they follow me on instagram. Even when my last account was hacked…they still followed my new account…but what the hell is a fucking follow?… By the way, I took another pause and unfollowed like 6 people..felt great! I don’t need no fake friends. Besides, losing 6 fake friends don’t mean shit if they ain’t supporting you.

man this feeling is crazy. It’s like an out of breath feeling. Like I’m always exhaling out of frustration. I got a shit ton of things to do but I’m just overwhelmed. I don’t want to do SHIT!!!

when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. I think I should probably take a warm bubble bath, brush my mug, and throw on some pimple patches before bed. That’s the least I can do…I’ll do that.

im supposed to do Botox in the morning. I doubt it will happen though. My doctor always says that I don’t need it and turns me away. I hope he does the same tomorrow. Unlike this other woman who wants me to spend like $600 dollars and holds a mirror up to my face and says: “you really need so much more Botox sweetie”…just goes to show you how people are evil and don’t really care about you.

I don’t think my Houston agent gets me anymore. They don’t understand me. They send me out for roles that don’t fit me. The last role was for “a tired looking millennial”….literally that was the description. They never send me for parts that are in the twenties anymore…not even early thirties. I know I’m 39 but I don’t look it. The kids at my school say I’m between 23 and 32….they still don’t know my real age…but they keep telling me that I look so young. I don’t ask them for these compliments…this is just what they tell me on their own.

I don’t miss my job at all. But since I’ve been home…I seemed to have forgotten what I used to do before having a job….oh right, I’d be smoking. I would actually get more work done with smoking but I’m not going to really believe that. I know I’m doing much better by not smoking.

I’ve been thinking about my last audition. It is a dark comedy based on the Cullen Davis murder trial. My part was for a high society woman….I think I slayed the audition. I’ve been auditioning for Vicki Boone forever…I wonder if she even recognizes me.

I been charging Shervys card a lot lately. I bought me little testers of expensive perfume. Did you know that those little testers cost like $12 each on eBay? I don’t buy the bottles because I don’t do large charges on his card. The most I’ll ever charge at one time is $80…but even that is too high.

I intend on paying Shervy back and then some. I want to buy him his dream car. But I have to make it first. Today he told me to take the word IF out of my vocabulary. Shervy never believed in God before but now he clings more so these days since he’s invested so much into crypto. He’s believed before but now his faith is even more so.

 

I used to live with a disabled white guy who was in special ed all of his life. His name is Gary. Gary got a terrible ear infection when he was younger and it affected his health. I don’t know his whole story but he wears a leg brace like Forrest Gump. I love Gary but hated him as my roommate. The most miserable time in my life for sure. I would go to sleep and wake up to roaches crawling all over my body. He was the most disgusting filthy roommate you could ever have in life. But he’s still my friend…well I bring Gary up because I used to drag him to church with me but he never believed in God. Gary never grew up being taught the word of God…also, he has a lot of resentment being the way he is. Last night when we were on the phone, he told me he doesn’t want to believe because he hates that he got sick and became disabled.

it makes me wonder about heaven. Is there a place for him? It’s not his fault he was never taught the word of God. He’s bitter about his appearance. One time, I became him in an acting class. So many people came up to me and told me I was so good. I can’t believe I actually did that…I limped and made my arm bend in like his(he has a gimp arm) and I spoke like him…he sounds like the slow guy from A Scary Movie…I literally morphed into Gary.

 

I can count the times in life where I changed into someone else. It’s happened like 4 times maybe…Its a different feeling. I can’t explain it. It feels almost like an exorcism…like my soul leaves and I become someone else. I remember I played a woman who had breast cancer and my son got shot in a scene in a play…I left allllll the teachers in my college acting class weeping. That was the beginning of my downfall in college. All the students hated me at that point.

their hate was so monumental that they concocted a plan to get me kicked out. They were jealous about me being the best. They were jealous that I secretly dated one of my teachers. They told me a class was cancelled and my dumb ass believed them so I never went, which resulted in me losing my scholarship.

I fucking hate my college… I remember they had me sign paperwork not knowing it was a bill reversal of some sort. Now I owe like 70k for school.

anyways, I had to stop watching 1000 pound sisters… that shit started making me real depressed. Plus it made me hungry..

now the whole day has passed. The only physical exercise I will have done today is washing my ass within the next few minutes… but I’m tired to do even that … but I’m going to. I’m just upset about life. I wonder if I’m ever going to afford a Tesla, and will I ever move out this depressing apartment complex… will I ever be a proper adult who has a proper vehicle and place to live?

I think at my age I should have something to show for myself besides a fabulous wardrobe. That’s one thing about me… I know how to dress. I know how to put an outfit together like no one’s business. I have to be my own stylist since I cannot afford one. I have to be my own acting coach, singing coach, my own performance coach, my own trainer, my own motivation… no one is helping me… but I hope Apollo will reach out and help.

honestly Apollo was kind of a ghetto experience. Everything was nice but the people running the organization was a bit ghetto. The ladies specifically…

It’s funny how my family is not ghetto at all. We are definitely a classy bunch. My brother and sister act like I don’t exist but other than that I have a great family. I don’t consider my siblings family anymore. I don’t associate with them anymore. Sad thing is: we will forever be broken. They have their own lives and don’t bother about being a part of mines…and that’s fine. They did a great job raising their sons though…-they did a great job as parents.

I hate being the “broke one” though.  There goes that self talk again. But my sister lives in a big house and has new cars and my brother is the same. They both look like workers though. They look like they work hard…I still look fresh…the trade off from not having a big house and new car. I rather live a little broke and look fabulous naked.

anyways, team no kids. No gray hair. And waiting on a miracle. Tomorrow will be the first day I actually get off my ass and do something. I’m going to get Botox then pick up my neighbor whose helping me clean my apartment.

he’s an old man named Jerry. He never hits on me but he says he loves being around a pretty lady like me. With that being said, I might wake up and blow dry my hair so I can at least look presentable…we shall see.

I pray my life will be better. Better for me looks like booking a film, getting paid to perform my songs on stages and flying out the country to see the world. It also means good food, a workout regimen, better security where I live and a new car. It also include the kind of love that gives me butterflies and to experience good sex…whatever that is.

Life please start already…I feel like it’s passing me by with endless work hours and to do lists that don’t really get me the type of acceleration in life that i hope for.

I took a pause to take a bath and brush my teeth and put a facial mask on…I feel so relaxed now. I felt especially great when I dunk my head below water like I’m getting baptized. This was a ritual I would do when I smoked. I’m glad I’m not smoking…

I know tomorrow will be six full days without weed…I stopped last Wednesday night. I wonder what will be my first trigger. I don’t want to smoke anymore for the rest of my life. I say that now…but what am I going to do when it’s offered to me or worse, smoked right in front of me???

 

I will have to remember my mom’s word: no take backs. I will have to remember Joel Osteen word: the devil will make you think that one little time won’t be a slip up; I have to remember my own words: you owe yourself at least 6 months to see if it makes a difference.

im going to be sooooo proud of my self if I stopped 6 months. The most I’ve ever stopped is 3 months in eighteen years. I know I can do this because I really really really really really want to see if it makes any difference.

I truly believe it’s the reason why I’m not booking. Maybe it’s the reason why I’m super depressed. I know it’s the reason I was bloated and fat because I lost weight. My skin has been clear for the most part. I just got to stay out the mirror so much. I see ugly parts of myself and want to pick at it.

im feeling good now. I really do. My facial mask smells like strawberry sherbet. If I had a man in bed with me, I would not be happy. Is that weird? I’m sooo happy just being in bed alone. I’m happy I get to look like this in private…with my blue robe on and my blue towel wrapped around my wet hair.

Secretly, I don’t ever want to get married. I just want to have affairs with my co stars from time to time. But that would be bad because if they marry then they will blab to their wives how we once had a rendezvous.

i don’t really want an affair. I’m just kidding….WOW one of my favorite actresses got dropped from UTA..Susan Sarandon…that’s fucked up! What ever happened to freedom of speech…(sorry that announcement just popped up on my phone)

honestly I feel like being on this app could be a problem…like is someone mean enough to want to out me. But I don’t think anybody cares like that in this app. People just want to vent like I do. we all have things we want to get off our chest.

me…I’m mostly just lonely and want to be heard. Not the lonely like I need to be around someone….just mostly wanting to be heard. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone without judgement…EVERYONE JUDGES ME AND THE THINGS I SAY.

anyways, I know this is going on for far too long. I’m going to take a melatonin gummy and zone out.

Father God, please renew my body from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet. Please give me renewed energy in the morning and let me have a restful sleep. Please protect my parents on their journey tomorrow out of town. I pray I sleep eight hours. I pray that I will get some work accomplished tomorrow. Most of all, I pray I will be still enough to hear you and follow in your footsteps. Let me live a life that is pleasing to You. Amen

 

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