Still thinking about that person.

I was fine, I didn’t care, until I found out he still followed me on XBOX a week ago. I was angry and disgusted. He was the one who ended our friendship. Why the fuck did he still follow me? Because he felt guilt? No, he wouldn’t even try to work things out with me. He wouldn’t even call that an argument. I fucking hate him even though I said I didn’t. I hate him now. I hate that I showed what he could do. Look what I got at the end. It has been two months and I hate myself for thinking about the friendship we had. I wish I never met him. I blocked him then unblocked him so that he could no longer follow me like on Twitch.

He said nice things. “I understand”, “I get it” “I trust you” Fucking liar. You don’t trust me. If you do, why didn’t you listen? If you understand, then you would never bring up ending our friendship on the table over something that wasn’t relevant. I said I would choose you as my roommate because you said you wanted to share space with someone who didn’t have to be a partner. I was always there for you, you were there for me, or that’s the illusion I had. Can’t say that I didn’t know that I was just someone from Twitch you met. Can’t say that videos you find funny were funny for me, but so what? People are different. As long as we had good time and we care about each other, what’s the big deal? One thing I find true yet sometimes don’t want to acknowledge is that if they are your friends, if they actually value your friendship. They won’t leave you. I almost made the promise that I would never leave him as long as he still cared about me. But I knew it wasn’t a reciprocal friendship from the beginning. I CHOSE to stay. I CHOSE to put his needs before mine. What I got?? I still cry, but not for him, for my sacrifices. I was so dumb. I thought he cared.

I did everything I could. I am not a good person, but I tried to be a good friend. I worried about if my actions would hurt him while he never thought about his actions. He wasn’t worth it. I deceived myself, I ignored things that show me he didn’t really like me. He did not care. Every time he approached to me, he basically always talk about what he was going to do with Twitch, not about how my day was, or whether I felt better. I fucking hate him and hate myself. Funny thing is I always know people believe what they want to believe, but I did the same thing.

One big part of me liking him was because I had a lot to say but I couldn’t find anyone to talk to. I dislike my family, I came from an abusive household. I think next time I want the truth, real truth rather than the vision I want. Truth hurts but it won’t bring long term suffering.

I had my wrongdoings. H had his, but he only cares about what he had, he would sacrifice everything and everyone as long as he was being right in his own story. I don’t think he is capable of building a meaningful friendship, maybe even relationship. He is incapable of resolving conflicts and self reflecting on his own actions. Everything he wanted was shallow. I don’t want whatever kind of friendship we had. I don’t want someone who I only play with, I want someone who actually cares and values friendships, I want to be a better person for the friendship I want to help them to be a better person. I will point out their flaws. I will show mine and I want to work on mine and helping them to work on theirs. I have the ability to love and care. I see beyond what most people see. It’s gonna be difficult but maybe one day I could meet someone who share the same value.