Thinking

Finally, an empty house. Except the rabbit, fish and hamster .

I think I need to address something to myself about why I do what I do

Most of my exes (relationships lasting at least a year) are deceased. My first boyfriend did cheat on me, he was the love of my teenage life. We stayed in touch for many years, it took me a few months to just make amends with him when I was a kid, but I did.

Many years later, about 8 years ago, he ended his life. He was my daughter’s dads best friend.

Prom date, not really a boyfriend but after he and I ended, he married after me.

My second boyfriend was at the end of hs, and we dated briefly, kept in touch but I really don’t remember. I think he chose someone else over me, and ended up in a psych ward. Heavy drugs there. I never did them.

Years later, in my 30s, he went missing for days and I guess turned up drowned at a lake. He loves fishing and I guess that’s what happened, not sure

My third boyfriend was just weird to begin with…. And abusive. I don’t know where he ended up but he did stalk me for a few years. Married after me.

I had mini relationships here and there but they always chose someone else. A few hookups from high school, both married after me.

 

and then I met my fourth. We stayed together for ten years. I only wanted to be friends to begin with but he was so good to me, taught me a lot about a healthy relationship. He’s still alive. He also married after me.

I ended up cheating on him.

Then I was a whore, had several brief meaningless relationships, another ex died of a drug overdose, another in a car accident, one after another they always chose someone else over me anyway. I was bad w sex. And I realized that brief moment under them was the only time I had their full attention and it was a heavy addiction.

until I met my ex husband. I was w him for about ten years, and while he wasn’t abusive I wanted to have someone take care of me, be my equal but i ended up caring for him through stage 2 brain cancer.

I cheated and met Lilly’s dad when I heard my first ex killed himself. Read back on his chaos and abuse, it pisses me off now that I allowed myself to tolerate that

He was abusive and cheated. I remained as faithful as a dog. He cheated so much I can’t keep up. He’s Ghost. Probably in jail, who knows.

And now roommate, who chose others over me and I saw it on his phone and he denied it anyway…. Changed his password locking me out and denies anything at all ever happened. I do not trust him. I have it in my brain that we are just friends and that’s it.

But sadly he brings the income in and I am stuck until I find a new way to survive. And I will, buuut…. In the meantime.

I cannot w him. Yes I told him I’m done. He doesn’t believe me tho

 

And now the childhood friend who I am choosing, now who claims he always wanted me.

That’s a brief few paragraphs, but all I see is how I always felt like I had nothing to offer but sex. At least I know I’m good, there. And how they all got married or wanted someone else over me.

Here we are now. Him.

Sex brought us together but idk what it’s gonna do anymore.

I invited him here, now it’s up to him to either keep his promise or I Ghost him.

And that will hurt but I definitely deserve better.

I need to focus on my kids, and my lifestyle changes, in the meantime.