Anxiety

I really am surprised that he did show. I had a ton of anxiety and that’s why I write it out, it helps. Everything else fell into place, just as I thought it would be. No awkward moments, no guessing, we could joke around. I had made a comment when he was having trouble, because he was so nervous, I suppose.

He messaged me while I was walking my girl to school but I had left my phone home because after I sent the message last night and hadn’t heard anything from him, I thought ok, ghosting time.

He requested I wear only a tee shirt. No pants no bra, no underwear. Oooh kay.

I guess we’re doing this, then. I’m an adult, now.  But it was a familiar feeling for sure, only he didn’t actually make me feel regret after.

I did feel exactly like when I used to do this in my 20s, when I was basically used for sex by all those men and idk, so I just ignored  that gut feeling in me that I would absolutely either sit here w a no show or feel complete guilt and shame, after.

But I stepped… This joking around bs, all these years, all the teasing for well, most of fb time, at least. Over ten years back and forth. Not to mention over 39 years.

Then the silence in between. I did miss him but that one time when he stood me up, and another before it when I sat here for like ten minutes and he bounced, was just so awkward and I know neither one of us was ready, then. I think we are now. Or it could be a just sex thing, who knows but ….

 

 

when he got here and didn’t say much at all because he grabbed me immediately and kissed me hard. We ended up on the couch where all he said was he has wanted me for a very long time and then we went to the bed…

No further details here. Lol

After, we were talking like best friends, I swear. He asked questions, I answered. He told me about the cancer, showed me his scars and how they’d have to do another operation. I asked him what stage, he didn’t know. Wtf.

So it’s probably 1, because he would fucking know. He kept apologizing about stuff, and I told him he really doesn’t have to. He’s here and it’s all okay. He was a little embarrassed but I can tell he’s never done this before and having a huge crush on me, I guess it was a bit much. That’s why I joked about taking our time.

He’s nervous. So, I joked w him and told him I hoped he wasn’t getting all shy w me NOW.

Come on, now! He laughed…. After he was comfortable again, all was good.

After,

We talked about what was going on and how I was really bummed out about everyone. He told me about Jay and Jay and why he never bothered much w them, I guess they pulled a knife on him in the woods, and he thought they were older. Nope. We were all around the same age. They were ten, tho.

That’s a long time. I had no idea, tho.

He couldn’t stay long, and had to get back to work, he explained his depression and how he gets stuck in it and not to get upset. I did… Because wtf. I’m human. Lol I told him that’s the time you need to talk and now I’m here so now he can rest if he wants. Eventually

He said see you soon with a huge smile  on his face and then left.

Now I did this. Now what?

What about roommate? It’s wrong but that guy is not for me and is not healthy and this is something I really want at all. Its early, so we will see what happens.