My baby is gone…

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened. I’m not sure where we were or what we were doing when such a life changing step took place. You’d think that would be something I’d remember, but somehow I missed it.

For five and a half years I have been able to stay at home with Stephanie and enjoy her every day… I’ve taken this for granted so badly. So many times I’ve told her to play in her room instead of reading her that book she asked me to read. Countless times I’ve snapped at her for laughing too loudly or screaming too high-pitched while playing. "You’ll wake the baby up! Be quiet!" How stupid I’ve been. Didn’t I realize how much I’d miss that obnoxious, sweet laugh?

I hardly had any time alone with her, really… She was only 15 months old when Christopher was born. I wouldn’t change that for the world. I love having them so close together. I only wish that I could go back for a few minutes to really remember what life was when it revolved around her and only her. She held me together when Stephen left with the military when she was only 28 days old. I hated for other people to hold her because I didn’t want to share her.

Why didn’t I take more pictures? Where are all of the videos of those days? Didn’t I know that the memories would fade some? Didn’t I realize that one day she would ask, "Mommy, do I still have to hold your hand?" She actually did that, by the way… On her way into the school to register. I wanted so badly to tell her "Yes. Yes you still have to hold my hand. You also have to smile and pretend to love it." But I didn’t think quickly enough and instead I told her "No, baby. Just make sure you stay close."

I never would’ve thought six years ago that I would be sitting here on my laptop, crying like a baby at midnight because I can’t sleep because I’m so worried/anxious/nervous/happy/sad and so many other emotions all rolled together. The reason? It’s silly, really…

Tomorrow I’m taking my kids to the zoo and it will be out last family outing before my baby little girl starts…. Kindergarten. I told you it was silly. This shouldn’t be such a big deal! I should be happy to have one less child to demand my attention during the day. But I’m not happy. At least, not very happy, anyway.

Today I got a letter from Stephanie’s teacher. It was a very nice gesture. I did appreciate it… It’s just that the letter has upset me by putting into words exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid. In the letter, Mrs. B says "I’m looking forward to teaching your child and sharing so many firsts with her this year!"

Innocent enough. I know she meant well. Every ounce of my being tells me I’m being irrational about this, yet here I am, crying unconsolably. (I’m a big baby, I know). It’s immature, but I read that and my first thought was "But, Mrs B, that’s supposed to be ME there with her for her firsts!" For all of them. I don’t like missing her firsts… I don’t like having someone TELL me about my baby little girl’s firsts. I think most people know this about me… I get upset over stupid things like when my step-dad bought her her first halloween costume, or when he gave her her first haircut and I wasn’t there… I was actually more IRATE than upset for the haircut, come to think about it. But the point is, I don’t miss her firsts. She doesn’t come home and tell me about her firsts, I witness them. I burn them into my being and I cherish them and I replay them over and over. Mrs. B won’t do that and I don’t want to share my daughter’s firsts with her.

I know she’s still my baby and I know she always will be, but it’s so sad to know that these first five years, the years that I didn’t have to share her with anyone, are over. Time will continue to fly by and next year I’ll be crying over Christopher going to kindergarten, too. A few years later I’ll be in the same place with Makenzie.

I know kindergarten is just one step of many I have to work through. Before I know it I’ll be watching her graduate, get married, have kids…. And one day maybe I’ll see her standing there with her own daughter. She’ll be trying so hard to put on her "strong face", but I’ll see that tear in her eye as she tells her baby "No, you don’t have to hold my hand anymore, baby… Just stay close."

Just stay close, Stephanie. Remember that sometimes Mommy might still need to hold your hand, even when you don’t need to hold hers.