Insecurities

The thing is, as much as i would love to restart a new and exciting journey, i still have to question whether it would be worth it in the end.

Like, is this gonna happen for real or is it just gonna be another fling to throw away.

He says he’s not going anywhere but my biggest fear is losing myself again, in a man who I’ve been hot and cold with since we met as kids.

Plus a little reassurance is really what i want and he can’t provide that because he has no idea, either.

I mean, I’m not who i was. I think he knows this. Is he just teasing agsin or when i do finally tell him to get here, will it backfire again with nothing following it like it did the last time.

I think we all want a place to just be ourselves and rest. I know he can provide this, but in my current situation with the roommate, I’m skeptical.

He’s been out all week, but at weird times.

Like now he’s out hunting.  Last night after like 3 months, he rolls over and tries to throw a hand on my hip.

Nope nope nope.

I rejected completely because not only am i not interested anymore,  my stomach hurt

And i know damn well he’s still hitting up other chicks online anyway,  so its even less interested in me. He claims not to, but i know he is because he told me he wasn’t when he was.

Now I’m not saying anything to him about it and hes never here. Sadly, hes the reason i am living here w my kids, tooso, i have very little options open to me and i really am trapped in this toxic circumstance.

And getting employment is a pita, i can’t do what i used to without my hands or feet hurting.

Even just taking photos yesterday hurt and i was only doing it about am hour.

Whatever on to dude i want.

I want my soul mate. Maybe dude is it and its the wrong time, again. I’m 47.

But will there ever be a right time? This is it to find out whats on the other side and i have a feeling I’ll fall and its gonna hurt like a mfer if its not reciprocated.

Maybe its just his fantasy he wanted to fullfill and I’m allowing myself to be his whore because something is broken in me and if i go back to what I’m familiar with, and it turns out ok, I’ll be magically rescued by a man who may not have the same morals I’ve since adopted after being w my girls dad.

I don’t think he would treat me that way, because i know he hated him.

But he’s not capable of being my knight in shining armor and i should not expect him to be, its not a fair assessment of him. Maybe he just wants love, too.

Or maybe he just needs to get his dick sucked.

I’m not that woman, anymore and is sex just a cover for what he really wants.  Idk tho, too many men just wanted sex.

This won’t be a conventional kind of thing i pictured tho.

And fantasy is he gets me to go on a DATE, brings me flowers, takes me out for a night, or well…. something. Before coming home here to be with me. Thats how it should be.

Treat me well, you’ll get me.

As a single mom tho, thats not happening.

And what I’m offered is a cheap version of a whorehouse.

And thats what really bothers me. I wouldn’t say that to him but thats putting in effort where it should be effortless.

But its also so messed up, it might work.