The stuff

Well the thing is, here i am chasing, again …. I want him to chase me. I’m not very good at these stupid internet games but he seems thrilled with it because he said hes always wanted me. They say don’t appear too eager and don’t message first. Well i suck at that but tomorrow i will try. I don’t think hes gonna hit me up this evening but he used to, every night…. when i was working 3rd shift and was up.

Or just at random. I just want him to come to me, like he used to.

So, I’ll try this whole theory where hes supposed to message me, first.

Idk what it’ll prove, other than i hate chasing.

I’m stalling, tho. He wants to get together.

And i am stalling. I would love to just not hesitate and invite him here, and i just don’t have the availability, as much as i thought i would.  Being a single mom is really hard. Its even harder with a roommate, because thats basically all he is at this point, to me. Not getting sex, hes out all day long, and comes home, showers and back to bed. He isn’t working,  and its really difficult to catch up without him going. Its like he purposely sabotages it. Different story. Cough…

I’m working online, but honestly its not bringing in much, but it does help, a little.

Anyway, back to himmmm….

I asked how he was feeling this morning,  we chatted for awhile and he asked to see me again,  tomorrow.  Well, i can’t.  I can’t because aunt flo is visiting but I’m not telling HIM that i lay in bed for hours at a time in pain from Endometriosis. I barely do much at all. And its after his appointment.  So I’m thinking maybe 20 minutes? Nope. No.

So I’m not about to rush this. I do want to see him but he picked after 1pm. I get my kid at 2:45. Nope, nope.

Do this right. Hes willing to wait but I am not sure how long. I’ve known him for a lifetime, i just wonder if its a repeat step like w the ex or this is what i should have done to begin w when he first found me, again so many years ago.

But he was w that chick. And Hes not, anymore. He was married.  I was too. Then i met my daughters dad and HE begged me to stay away.

I actually remember i got beat for chatting w him, one time. He was absolutely jealous of HIM. Broke my tablet in half, stole my phone and smashed it… strangled me in bed when i slept downstairs.  Ugh. Good riddance. I just know my ex hated him… and didn’t even know him.  Back to him. Not him.

Him. He said he always wanted me.

But why tf did he always want me. Since we were kids???

He sure had a strange way of showing it, then. I remember bits about our childhood and that i would see him around and was friendly enoygh but i never really thought he was ever into me, then because i rarely saw him. Did we hang out? I don’t remember.  But apparently i must have made some sort of impact.

Anyway, I’m not fucking this one up. I guess i don’t want to disappoint the kid in me.