Whiplash

So shit has taken so many turns since I last wrote and I do not even know where to begin or what to share.

My wonderful fearful avoidance attachment ruined something amazing and I’m left with only myself to blame. As he said, I knew I had made things weird and kept pushing it which is classic fearful avoidance behavior. I sabotaged it out of fear and now he’s gone. The worst part is that I don’t think I don’t/didn’t deserve him, I was just terrified that I found someone who was amazing and who I did feel I deserved and all of that terrified the hell out of me.

I’ve downloaded an online dating app and holy shit, I do not like that. The idea of swiping over and over again feels so vapid and vain but this is how people date now. I am sick of men putting in effort for one conversation and then the next it’s send nudes or trying to sext. Like holy shit people, is there any sort of care to invest beyond jerking off online? Apparently not.

Shit with the ex got really weird with a really horrible decision he made. I don’t even want to go into the details but it’s drama and I just do not want to deal with drama anymore. I’m tired of drama. When I said I was missing excitement in my life, this was not what I had in mind to fill that void.

I was riding high on excitement and joy and it really has been shot out of the sky.