Grief

I don’t know if this place I am hoping might give me another chance to have a sacred experience on a site that has been so central to so much of my story really sees me anymore beyond their stories of me that truthbetold I would not wish to have cultivated, and I wish there might be amnesty, a sense if being able to see each other with new eyes, but I am scared on some level they think everything i do is some kind of trick, and I guess I have no idea what they think of me and I ask myself why is that really scary? I feel I have messed so many things up and I am just sorry and sad and heartbroken beyond compare and I wish I had made choices other than to live out of fear and to show too many people sides of me that I should never want anyone to see. The love I found at that place is the kind of support I could use right now. I don’t know where to go. I am too scared to concentrate on art like music which I would prefer to concentrate on and I am too scared right now to immerse myself in Spanish the way I once did; to get too into or excited about anything, and I am terrified I am always going to have a lonely story that I will never be able to find anybody to understand and to love me back into my aliveness.

This is a process that is incredibly hard to trust and the prospect of being exiled from this place feels more and more like grief I will never know how to process. Who am I without them? My heart feels incredibly alienated; it yearns for more chances than I deserve to be given to see if my life can yet be worthwhile. That takes some digging into myself, a testimony of myself as myself as there is no refuge from myself but I can find a way to make this embodied experience a refuge. It is so much easier though when I imagine myself in a space where I hadn’t alienated that entire community. Why do I fear there is no path to forgiveness and why is it hard to trust that God will lead me to what I need even if this attempt at reconciliation does not pan out? Where would I begin a conversation with someone right now? I am only imagining scenes from that Mountain right now, that mountain that was for me such a sacred hope: “They say the truest paths always lead through mountains.” I messed up, probably hugely, and was so isolated, and had no one around me to point out the errors in my ways, not that that is any excuse, but I struggled to find my greatest integrity with all my heart and nights discovering myself on that Mountain often were the truest path I’d ever known. I wonder if they will be willing to i teract with me on a completely human level again, apaty from the horrendous ways they must see me through my history with the place… and overall… my history is one I wish might be remembered by some with fondness. If I am one they deem undeserving of experiencing love in that context, I would love at least to hear out how they see me. I messed up but when did I lose all previous reinforcements of being loved at that place? Will anyone ever believe all I want to do is be real and let things be? All I can do in this moment is trust in the universe to take me where I need to be, take me to the experiences that teach me how to love more, and that is hard enough.

I do not know when I will be getting a car that feels safe to drive across the country. More and more Mexico, particularly with all that driving, does not feel like my first or most urgent destination . More every day I am getting an impulsive urge to fly to South America. I don’t know. Transport guitar (amp) or find music store there and start anew *again*. I do not know if playing guitar is going to help any more than reading in Spanish is helping right now but I can hope to find some place to land for a while where I at least have the option of playing an instrument and am hopefully not scared of it. A number of pretty easy flights get me around South America quite nicely and hopefully I will have some inkling of what to do next when I am ready to leave South America. I want to go soooo soon but if I feel restless there I’m not sure what I’m going to do…