Forgiving ourselves

Waves of calm, followed by waves of self-loathing and self-blame and fear; I thought it might be a good idea to find a guided meditation on healing these kinds of things. Tara Brach of course. It is so hard to even have the intention to forgive myself, at all, like I fear that by doing that, I am dishonouring the pain I must have caused, and though I do not really know for sure what effect I have had, I perceive that I have caused the sort of pain that, clearly seeing it, I cannot in good conscience forgive myself without somehow knowing I am forgiven, but I also cannot allow in the possibility that I might be forgiven; I rail against it, feel I do not deserve it, like forgiving myself would be such an injustice to the one I hurt, and if there is a possibility they do not want me to forgive myself, how could I reach into such dangerous territory as to even consider it? I feel such pain and beokenness at how I must have caused another pain, but not really knowing, and there is so much that I just do not know, so much I assumed (and kick myself for assuming) which is part of how I got into such trouble in the first place, so how is my heart to know what to do with any of it? I am so sorry that I hurt another, and even if you are aware of none of it, and even if I knew that you were oblivious to the pain I feel I caused, the pain in my heart is still exactly as though I have caused the sort of pain that I do not know how to forgive myself for at all. I hate seeing that I can be one of those unconscious, unthinking, uncaring people who spout things on the internet that have the capacity to hurt people and make life more difficult or even unbearable for those who are just trying to live their lives. Seeing how I must have caused others pain, but not really knowing, and not knowing the effect that this might have had on their lives, how can I feel gentleness towards myself and the inclunation to forgive? Tara Brach gets to the heart of it though when she asks us to tune in to what it is that feela unforgivable; I do not have to forgive myself, just feel what feels unforgivable in my heart, and that gets to the core of so much of my suffering. So much of my suffering perhaps is in not allowing my heart to speak to me about what it is that feels unforgivable, not knowing what to do with that which feels unforgivable, or how to be gentle with myself with the existence of such things. I cannot ask for forgiveness from another in my heart. I feel so unworthy of that. There has been so much in my life I have been so hard on myself about that is not my fault where I do not deserve harshness and condemnation, and I blame myself generally for ao many things that others might just brush off as inconsequential, but this, what comes to the surface when I invite what feels unforgivable to present itself, is not one of those things. The core of the matter of my life, the issue at hand, is what comes into my heart when I allow myself to feel what feels unforgivable. Everything else I have ever done that it has been so hard to forgive myself for feels enfolded beneath this pain, like if I could forgive myself for this, all the pain of a lifetime of unforgiveness of myself might just melt away… and though I can’t begin to feel worthy of forgiveness, I am (perhaps strangely) feeling such gratitude for the one whose forgiveness I suppose will never come, the one towards whom I acted in a way that feels unforgivable, that breaks my heart, and I will just lie with that as I go to bed tonight…