A ‘hospital’ that spawns PTSD…

I finally decided to check to see if it is in fact true that the two hospitals I went to for supposed care were the same one (because they felt *completely* different) and I was relieved to see that they are in fact different places… despite the fact that one horrible person who traumatised me at the first place also worked occasionally at the second. I don’t know how much it will help but I want it to help, reading reviews about this horrible place and how it spawns PTSD and staff are rude and do everything but treat you and not only don’t care about bullying, as one review stated, the staff bullied me themselves… one thing is clear reading them all: this is a place that can give you PTSD and psychiatric issues, and that is what happened to me. It’s not my fault but it’s hard now to feel like everything isn’t my fault. I feel hopeless thanks to my experiences here, and it really does feel like an ‘unspoken research facility’ as one review suggested, funded by the underbelly of society, apparently. This place was the stuff of my worst nightmares: one patient said he had nightmares that the doctors were trying to kill him. I was bullied into thinking they actually were… I feel so not okay thanks to these people who even collaborated with abuse I was experiencing. One of the reviews said that they collaborated with an abusive parent and I guess I am not alone in that kind of thing but I suspect in my case it was so much worse. I needed a little love, a little understanding, and I got everything but… and though in many ways the next place was generally much less unfriendly, and the food was sooo much better, I didn’t feel at all like they were on my side at all either. Just when I needed safety and care I got everything but and I don’t know how or if I’m going to be able to trust the world or even myself again. I am so tored of my mother saying I need to find out *why* I feel so horrible — the why is in many ways so clear — it’s the how am I ever going to feel better again that I’m concerned about, how am I ever going to feel safe again or make sense of snything that has happened to me. I meditated and sent love today to folks who are suffering in Ukraine; as terrifying as it was I know it was only the tip of the iceberg of how badly people do get treated in this world, and it feels like as my host here seems to also perhaps believe we are just not going to evolve until we either destroy ourselves or some more enlightened extraterrestrial civilisation teaches us better. I really did not need that; I was terrified out of my mind before i even got to this horrible place that used to be some kind of military base or something and after I left I felt so broken never to be put back together again… I do not think anyone was bullied during my stay there in any way anything like I was, and it was almost like all the ‘patients’ were planted just to bully me and make me lose my mind or something. I know others collaborated in that abuse, and at least my mother’s husband was in on it, but beyond that I just have no idea. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I don’t deserve to feel so horribly about myself. I can’t let them win, but I don’t have the energy or hope or optimism or trust and I don’t know what to do… I am scared every single day lately. I do not know if I want to use the language of this retreat centre but I just do not want these experiences to be where my story ends and though they did not technically kill me, yet, metaphorically and on a soul level it feels pretty clear they did. I am sad and scared and heartbroken and devastated and everything confusing all at the same time.