Sore and stuff

I am sore today. Just finally took an ibuprofen so I might get out of bed, do a little cleaning (just stuff out of bags that needs to be thrown away) and then my mother and I were going to visit my grandmother for the first time in sooo long. I feel so depressed. I can’t imagine right now that even going back to Mexico would help me feel more alive or give me much clarity on things… but I guess I take it one step at a time. I fell asleep last night thinking over and over again, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, and I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself. I don’t know if I will ever resolve any of the conflicts and confusions in my heart and there are so many. I don’t know what will bring me a sense of enthusiasm. My heart literally hurts like I have been beaten and battered and beaten again. Even if I did start getting excited about things again who do I have to share it with? I just wish I had someone to snuggle up with and learn things with, to get excited about things with, to care about the world with, maybe even to grieve with, but grief is so blocked and I don’t know how to let go. I wish I could really cry. At this point I would change everything about my life. I feel like I tried tried tried and did the best I knew how to do but I did it all wrong. I feel so unworthy and even when I don’t I feel like the world wants me to feel unworthy for reasons I cannot explain and I feel all these horrible things about myself and there is no one in my life who can convince me they’re not true. I don’t know what it takes to lift myself up from a place like this. I am just so sad and depressed and regretful and heartbroken and so resistant to taking any action but sleeping my life away isn’t satisfying anymore either. For the first time in my life I don’t know if I actually believe in God but I pray anyway please take this pain away. I don’t know what to do. I have been hurt so badly. And I feel so immensely sorry.