Am I real?

The night before last I tumbled through the gate that I helped my host set up and I felt so bad and clumsy. I apologised the next day and said I felt really bad and he was gentle about that and said it was an easy fix but then he was kind of stern with me about getting out job applications even though the agreement was to do that this week. He said it was like I didn’t really have sny motivation to do these things; I don’t know if anything eould come out of it if I did. It is a lit on my mind and so much emotional stuff too. His personality is a bit blunt at times but I don’t inow what that really means. Today I told him I filled out a bunch of applications and he didn’t sound upset, just said the ball is in my court and I can do what i want to do…

I didn’t think I had a real resistance to filling out applications, as he suggested, it is just hard to get out of a big funk of deception and heartbreak and a whole lit of confusing emotions and who knows if any of these applications will cone to anything anyway. I lost some money by having a card sent to that shelter and of course the $1000 on it got stolen, oh well, it would have made a big difference but I’m doing what I can.

I would rather work at a grocery store than a bank aside from the benefit perhaps of getting to sit down more often. So, I went online and filled out this application for Stop n Shop, which was a little tricky as far as user friendliness, but I got through it fine. I want to understand a little more about food service so I figured I would apply to the Taco Bell and Burger King down the street and the Trader Joes across the bridge of Lake Quinsigamond. I did not see opportunities at Whole Foods but I think I will apply there too. And then I think Mike has to be satisfied with this for now. I could tell they weren’t going to get back to me about that liquor store application and I didn’t want to work there anyway. Then I waited at customer service at Stop N Shop and someone made a rude comment to me like, see all the signs that say cloooosee? That made me ferl kind if bad annd I was already kind of sensitive. If I had a choice I would take a job at Whole Foods or Trader Joes. I guess whatever is meant to be will happen. Maybe I won’t get a job and I’ll head straight for the Southwest and Mexico.

Last night was another rainy night (we have had so many days of thunder and rain in a row, even before the hurricane comes). I went to Taco Bell and got a vegetarian taco deluxe while waiting for my mother to pick me up for the movies. I was kind of inspired to hear Sara Bareilles’ Uncharted while I was in there which kind of inspired me like, from here on anything can happen, and I need that sense of adventure. Then What Was I made For Came on the radio. She wanted to see Barbie which sort of surprised me but i did not know if she had any ulterior motives for that. Of course it was really good, again, and oh the Kens singing I wanna push you around is hilarious. I think I had Barbie inspired dreams in a way. I only remember making like two stops in Ireland over the course of a week and there is this little hamster-like rodent with me. I’m scared for his safety and he is so cute and feels so alive but my mother eventually scares me by telling me he is not real, he is a robot, and it is obvious that there is a curcuit bored where his belly is… and then I try to ask my mother if I am real, if I came out if her belly and if I am real… and I don’t even remember how that conversation went, but I am having thoughts of death, I don’t want my bubble to butst, and i want to know if I am real, What if anything is it going to take to feel good about myself again if I even deserve it?

Do I have to start all over with who I am, wipe my slate completely clean, in some way, to figure out who I am again and take a course uncharted? Will the universe start conspiring for me soon and giving me clues on what to do soon? I am tired of not knowing who i am and seeming to have nobody else know either… I do think if this retreat centre cared what I was saying and wanted me to be part of their community, they would probably be more responsive to my needs, rather than using those as the very things to judge. Will my life make sense again and what will it take for my life to make sense again? Am I even real?