hypnagogia
The whole disassociation thing:
The thing of it is, I know.
I know this feeling.
This feeling and I, we are intimately acquainted.
It’s the feeling of being underwater – sounds muffled, visuals distorted. Or maybe like the state between wakefulness and sleep. Sometimes it’s a numbness. Sometimes it’s heavy veil between myself and the rest of the world.
I’m awake.
I’m asleep.
I’m underwater and I don’t want to come up.
I’m so far inside of myself I barely inhabit my own form.
This feeling is best defined as autistic disassociation and, though I hate this term, it’s something I’ve been dealing with my entire life. Most of the time these episodes are brief; sometimes they last for days.
I can count on one hand the number of melt-downs I’ve had. Nope, I’m a shut-down, burn-out, dissociative episode kind of girl. The patterns are so clear to me now. It’s amazing I didn’t get all of this figured out until my late 30s.
This episode has been longer and more severe than most. In fact, this episode is the worst I’ve had in several years. I am assuming this has to do with my high pain and fatigue levels. I’m so tired of feeling awful. And I’m tired of hearing myself talk about it. Tired of thinking about it. It’s easier to just retreat into myself.
Work today was awful, attempting to finish financial reports for our board while trying desperately to remain mentally present. In the end I resorted to biting the inside of my cheek and listening to French noise rock super loud through my earbuds – anything to trick my brain into tuning back in.
This evening has been much better, though I find myself exhausted. We are going to see the in-laws this weekend, so I must push through, pack, and make sure everything else is taken care of. Looking forward to the trip, so the pushing through will be worth it.
Ugh, sorry to hear about your pain levels. It’s so hard to build anything upon that foundation… but, like, what choice do you have? Still have to be alive. I used to look at dissociation (which I do frequently) as bad—but I’ve come to appreciate that it allows me to stay alive during really difficult periods of stress/C-PTSD symptoms.
Hope things are getting better all the time.
@thecriticsdarling
I have no issue with the concept (or reality) of disassociation, it’s just that autistic dissociation is different than having a dissociative disorder, and the title is confusing. I feel that using the same term for vastly different experiences can undermine the severity of extreme dissociative episodes. It’s not so much about putting distance between myself and a term I don’t like, more about respecting those whose experience is much more severe than my own.
But dissociation is a spectrum, like so many other things, so maybe I’m just getting hung up on the wrong thing.
I am always cognitively aware of myself and my surroundings, I just feel like a film exists between myself and everything around me. It is very easy to tune-in to myself during these episodes, but hard to tune in to anything else. Thankfully, I never deal with depersonalization.
@the-idiot
Thank you for explaining that further for me. Your explanation makes sense.
When it comes to spectrums of disorders, I feel like people are more likely to dismiss milder ends of the spectrum, if it doesn’t look like the most extreme circumstances…
I experience both depersonalization and derealization–and it’s wiiiiild. And not in a fun way. Lol.
Warning Comment
I find myself feeling like I have a floating head, like it’s filled with helium. Only today, at 50, did I realize I even do this. So…
chronic pain is a bitch. And, honestly, no one who doesn’t have it can understand what it’s like, how it affect us.
@laynemeyer2
It really is a bitch. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain since I was 12 and it hasn’t ever gotten easier.
@the-idiot I have only been dealing with it for just over 5 years, so I am but a tadpole to your challenged frog. But it sucks so much more than I could ever explain.
Warning Comment
Hoping you snap back soon and enjoy your weekend away!
Warning Comment