Retreat centers

I sent another kind of ‘stream of consciousness’ reflection after my meeting with this retreat centre to see if we can be a fit and at least agree to disagree enough to allow me to respectfully take up space on that mountain, certainly with no intention whatsoever of rousing rabbles or dropping eves –hey, can I find soneone who just wants to hang out and play with words?

It was at a Quaker retreat actually that I fell in love with how connecting and amazingly ecstatic just playing word games can be for me especially when played in the quiet contemplative space of a Quaker retreat center.

That is a retreat centre I wholeheartedly support though I am sad to see that there is not more retreat programming of late as my options for retreat centre type places has certainly dwindled over the years and I guess this is a process to find out if the two gatekeepers will open the key and allow me to take part on a retreat at this Mountain that was and should be so sacred to me.

Yes, my writing is stream of consciousness, so often, and I do not know by what rubric these gatekeepers will use to evaluate me as fit to enter that once sanctified realm — I do not know enough about them at all to guage their sense of humour and if they would be concerned with the flippancy of my words or as I would much prefer they might appreciate my linguistic expression. To get to the heart of it what kind if conversation are we having: is it one about how I could serve you, or how you could serve me: whose needs are being served by this discussion about having me on the mountain again? I do not really know. I threatened litigation and without going into details, why would you, these gatekeepers, wanting to protect yourself from the consequences of a law suit, choose to serve my needs as a loving and loved Child of God/dess, or are these conversations more about meeting your needs, as I cannot imagine what good you might wish for me in your invitation. Please do not pathologise me as needing therapy for having such difficulty trusting these days but SPAA anorexia is a serious and not to be pathologized experience, and sometimes with our C-PTS symptoms and embodies truths it is really hard to trust anyone snd based on a past experience of my threatening a lawsuit with you, my having issues with you, and it seemed in our meeting, intending no offense, that that whole thing got to be the issue you have with me and I never got to even clearly voice issues that needed to be addressed with you. It’s like you appropriated the issue by making it about me threatening a lawsuit and even though I was clear to say I did not want further contact from them after this May retreat last year because I was actually scared of that, one person at this meeting says, I think, and sorry I cannot take it as genuine and real and meant in kindness but I am not discounting that possibility either, “I thought of writing to you after that because I felt so bad and I love you.” Hmmm. Well, depending on how well you were listening I did say that doing that would be a violation of my consent. You know? We could both toss aside the lawsuit once we understand what the ramifications of their putting themselves into defense mode because of me might have been, but that was the whole topic of the meeting, so I never had room to share any of my real relational difficulties with these fine folks. I am not allowed to have the issues I had which led me to say the word litigation and that is not okay with them so will I ever be okay with him and how is having these conversations with me serving them because it must be serving them somehow probably more than it is going to serve me but I want to choose not to stop believing in fairy tales until the very, very end. I hope it is okay to have perfectly normal responses to conditions that would freak anyone out and turn trust in their lives into such doubt, and this is not pathological, this is not paranoia, and by the way, why did you make the distinction between trusting some is okay but distrusting everyone is paranoia? Am I going to be blacklisted for having the courage to maturely step into trust as I discern it is safe for me, and is all of me going to be really truly welcome there as in if I don’t trust anyone but I’m trying who would make the choice to pathologise that sistrust and thus exclude me? I don’t know. I hope it will not be them. I hope we can have a conversation that seems to have some semblance of an idea who I am, and loves it and cares about it and sees it in its uniqueness, and considering how much time and resources they seem to have spent protecting themselves from the consequences of my use of that word. Are we really clearing relationsl challenges here? I hope it will not be held against my chances of seeing one final time perhaps this place I loved so much with all due respect and gratitude and humility if this can ever again be a place where I can feel I belong and if anything may ai be taken as an honourary guest through this process to experience it for what might not be the past time? So much depends on if the retreat leaser could see me, which might be the next conversation: would they have so many issues with me, would they tell me what they are, would they be able to convince me that my presence would be welcome on a retreat? Or am I in some kind of administrative limbo now where, I know how to be respectful to the process and I will hold that process in confidence if I see that place again and I hope these gatekeepers see me as enough of an adult that it is okay if I have trouble trusting anyone: give yourselves a chance to be the ones to show me what that is like, to invite me, rather than evaluating ‘paranoia’ and not giving me a chance to see that mountain again. I come in peace. I am discerning if I sense that you do and I hope that will not be another mark against me. I do not know what it takes to cross these gates; from my perspective if I may be given my word that I will be held in love and with certain ethical commitments, I will feel safe in that space, allowing whatever process to unfold to unfold, and I give my oath to respect the process and the leaders. It is just these simple things I need to know to discern whether yo take a step forward in trust. I think it is going to take more intuiting from me especially around this retreat leader and I hope if we get a chance to resolve relational issues we may have an actually real conversation should be had and the one that is needed probably will not happen in that meeting. I need at least an hour. I need to know if there is any way we can still authentically connect and get on the same page about what is happening with me, if I can still feel heard and lived and affirmed by them, what their gripe might be against me, if thy’d hurt me while saying they love me and how would I know? I am safe enough to trust: I would not have registered for a retreat if I did not feel ready to find out, it is just a matter of whether or not they will have me thete, and why, or why not? Where will the two supreme court judges aka gatekeepers in this case come down on this issue? Would they give me a clear account of the rationale of the decision that has been made and will I be granted the privilege to petition that?