Financial security at last?

Ah, my mood is a bit better after listening to this song Upside Down by Jack Johnson that was just recommended by a friend! I forget that I know how to find anything magical and I let those voices that say how hard it is to find anything good get me down. So thank you for the suggestion to lift me up! Sharing music with friends really is one of the easiest ways to lift me up.

I think I am actually going to get the money that I needed, more or less, though not all at once, and I don’t know how my mother convinced him and I’m actually suspicious of it like, we already brought you down, so yeah, I’ll stop financially abusing you now. It doesn’t matter. Getting support like this years ago would have made all the difference. It will at least keep me out of the heaviness of needing to make money or fearing what happens if I don’t plus inspire me to do some things *to* make money: my income should be built up to a good stable amount by the end of the year even without extra incone coming in though I am working on that, too, and I think at that point I should be… in a better place than I have been for quite a while. I could go back to Mexico and just totally relax about money by the end of the year if all goes well. I don’t know what is going to happen or when but what I needed was some financial security and my mother is somehow open to taking that seriously. I explained that her parents gave her $10,000 to do repairs once and I am in a much more life or death situation than that… and though I don’t get the emotional support and am constantly drained or disempowered by emotional abuse, I am surprised that she is considering negotiating about this at all. At this point feeling so much emotional betrayal it won’t count for as much but it is a huge relief to my psyche. I have so much more breathing room and just knowing I have something to fall back on helps me get out of C-PTS responses compounded by fears of having nowhere to stay. If I go back to Mexico with ten times the money I *thought* I had when I was there and the energy to put into building another income stream I think, at least as far as basic survival goes, I will finally be okay, and I will no longer have to make any ridiculous self-sabotaging decisions to ‘save money’. In that respect I’ll be able to breathe so kuch easier and at least try my best to enjoy my life and look forward to my future

It is sad but I guess it is time to start my own life, see what my future might have in store for me, and if anything happy and unexpected coukd come out of it. I can do a lot of camping and stay in hotels or AIRBNBs some of the time though not because I have to, because I want to and it makes sense. Hotels here are ridiculous, for some reason, the wrst coast was or is sooo much cheaper for that kind of thing. I can find a place, get a dog, bring some instruments, start my life somehow. And if I have a business that brings in at least $10,000 a year, I remember the process of emigrating to Mexico becomes a lot easier. I think that is the most hopeful way to think about my future. So I am grateful, I just don’t know what it means that after going through such hell they would agree to this. They always kept me in chains, never saw what I needed, and now that I get some response to my needs there, I don’t know if my life is over… but at least money is unlikely to be w factor that immediately contributes to that, and I am lukewarm excited about traveling across the country again in a car that will hopefully be sufficient for that purpose. Without money it is hard to figure out how to get clarity on anything, and I don’t know if I will get clarity, but this feels like a start to a lot more breathing room coming my way… and to dedicate myself in ways I never have before to healing and finding myself and giving birth to what is within me.

I messed it up last time so badly it hurts and hurts and hurts but with a few of these pueces in place maybe I can salvage something of my life and finally live out something of my authentic dharma… maybe it is all about what I can do with a puppy and a guitar…