To new beginnings

This is a fresh new start. A new diary; one where I am not looking for anyone that I know or knew from here.

I need this place for myself. A place that people in my home cannot just pick up and read as they can do with my physical journal.

I bottled up writing for many years and really only started writing again this last month. It was only then that I realized I had dissociated so deeply that I almost forgot how to feel because as soon as I put pen to paper, my emotions overflowed like a canned soda left in a hot car for far too long.

The pain and other emotions that I was overcome with were so overwhelming.

I used to always feel. I never feared my emotions and didn’t ever think about packing those away into a vault only to be opened up 10 years later.

So what was causing all of this dissociation, pain, and emotion?

Facing the long and drawn out degradation of my marriage Realizing that I had forced myself to stay in a state of colorblindness for the purpose of being mor easily able to ignore the red flags that constantly flew all around me for the last twenty-five years.

But also, from accepting the realization that I like the person I am and that I know I deserve a partner who is invested, present, connected, motivated, and not someone who checks out from sun up to sundown. I deserve someone whose MO was not to break a person down piece by piece from day one.

I feel it could be a bit ironic to feel so much pain over something that most people would consider a positive self-realization.

I think the pain was myself mourning the years lost, the tears shed, the broken me that did not deserve to be broken apart for someone else’s gain and fulfillment.

I’ve taken so many times to apologize to myself over and over again for me not protecting me because ultimately, I never should have trusted him to protect me and us.