pretend this is clever

The air this week has felt different.
Something like change.
Something that says ‘the end is near’.
Like maybe there is a hint of autumn on the way.

I tell Cory this, and he laughs, but it’s the subdued sort of laughter that means he isn’t sure how to respond.

Still! I maintain that change is in the air. I’m not sure how, but the 96F of late May feels completely different than the 96F of early September.

***

We had originally planned to travel this weekend but our trip is postponed until mid-month. Just as well – this chaos body has been unkind to me lately. Every joint from the waist down is stiff and achey, everything feels tights, and I’ve been dealing with flu-like muscle pains for three weeks now. My mobility is the worst it’s been in five years.

I’ve never outlined it all here but I have several issues that mostly impact my quality of life. (Thankfully nothing life-threatening.) Official diagnoses are spondylolistheis (will eventually require a spinal fusion), fibromyalgia, and fibroids. I have a differential diagnosis of endometriosis (fairly positive this is accurate but can’t officially diagnose without surgery). And my doctors strongly suspect I have a form of autoimmune arthritis as well, most likely psoriatic, but possibly ankylosing spondylitis. Because of some abnormalities the doctors haven’t been able to nail down that last diagnosis and I’ve been in limbo for the last five years. They are essentially waiting for things to progress so that they can reassess.

I try not to complain much – again, I’m so thankful that none of this is life-threatening. But I do struggle with the big chasm between what my body is capable of and everything I’d like to be doing. Didn’t figure the mutiny would start in my early 30s.

I’m trying to do a better job of managing the mental impact. Seeking out simple, small pleasures has been greatly beneficial. And, when all else fails, edibles (ha). So this weekend I am doing my usual – listening to music, reading, drawing, etc. Last night, after the edibles kicked in, I made up a game of sorts – I put all of my music on shuffle and composed playlists comprised of the first 20 songs to pop up. A couple of the playlists were cohesive; most were messy and disjointed.

I’m doing the ellolovey doodle-a-day challenge for September over on Instagram. I’m hoping it will act as a springboard into working on my portfolio; inspiration/motivation to work more in illustration and pattern design vs. my usual comfort zone. So far I’ve been using Procreate, which I love, even though I really should be working in vector instead of raster. Maybe I’ll switch over to Affinity Designer or Illustrator in October.

Aside from portfolio/freelance work, I am learning that it’s okay to be selfish with my creativity. I used to think of my lack of drive as a defect, but not so much anymore.

If all of this is only for my own amusement (the portraits, the silly little written pieces, etc) it’s still been worth it.