Heart meet plate…

I cannot believe it has been a week since I last wrote! The time does feel like it is flying right now. The long weekend consisted of a lovely meal with my husband, a beer fest and band in which the lovely meal did not stay down for him, a theatre trip to see Rocky Horror Picture show and a Country Music Festival. Monday being a bank holiday was a well needed rest day and reset the house ready for the week ahead. Work has been busier than usual with the schools and universities going back – it’s been a welcome distraction from the constant data clean up that we have been doing the last couple of months.

I’m feeling lonely today. My marriage is more a marriage of acceptance than one of love nowadays. We know how each other work and my parents accept him, which has been a battle in itself over the years. It’s actually our 5 year wedding anniversary today, not that he remembers – he can never remember the date just that its near the August Bank Holiday. I know this should bother me, but it bothers me more that it doesn’t. We have been together for 12 years, married 5, but for 4 years of that we have been distant, doing our own things, even broke up briefly when his unwillingness to work for 3.5 years became too much.

If I’m being totally honest, and I’ve never revealed this publicly due to all the backlash that I’ve imagined coming from it. During the break up I accidentally lost my heart 3 years ago to a guy I can no longer trust (he did something which really hurt), who has now moved on because I was too coward to leave my marriage at the time and who would not be accepted by friends or family because he is a little bit on the rougher side. I could never pin point what made, and still makes me, attracted to him. He isn’t the best of looking out there, he doesn’t have the usual looks or intelligence I go for in a guy but when we were together the chemistry was a pull we couldn’t ignore. Just being close to him my whole body would tingle with electricity and my blood felt like it could sing. I know that’s a weird description but that’s how it felt. I felt like I could relax around him and he made me feel safe, which made me put my guard up more because that scared me. Even with all this, I couldn’t bring myself to leave my security blanket marriage in case I left something that could be worked out/Ok for a disaster relationship which have been like my past ones. There aren’t many days I don’t think about him though, I still fantasise about what could have been – which I know is ridiculous.  I do wish him all the happiness in the world with his new lady, but my god I miss him.