The Weight of Burdens

I had to look back my previous entry to see what I said, because it feels like such a long time haha. I do this “mental blogging” in my head often, so sometimes I’m not sure if I actually typed it here or if I just thought of it. Looks like most of them were just thoughts.

Last week was another turn of so many unexpected events. As a structured, creature of habit, these type of things can be overwhelming, but I feel like I’m learning to handle it better. I want to keep doing that in this journey and chapter of my life; just learn to navigate through difficulties rather than pacify myself in my safety bubble. Of course my safety bubble will always be close at hand in case I need it, but I don’t want to rely on it. The scary stuff become less scary, and I look back and wonder why I didn’t do it sooner. But I also feel like there is a right time for everything.

I’ve made a lot of friends here and there this past year and a half, and there are some people that I connect with better than others. I give everyone a fair chance at the beginning, and I don’t know if that’s bad or not, I’ve been so confused with that lately. But sometimes as you get to know certain people, you either grow closer, or you grow more distant. I don’t think either are bad, it’s just how life is. I’m an empath and a highly sensitive person, and some people are a little tougher to read. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s instinct or just…me haha. But I believe that communication really is key, and it can be helpful with any type of relationship you may build. They say opposites attract, and in ways I agree, but I also feel like there is something (not sure what) that is kind of like the glue that holds the bond together. In some cases that something is there, and in other cases it’s not. But as long as a fair chance is given, it’s hard to regret. I just accept what is.

I also don’t want to be the type of person who only converses with people who have things in common with me, as I believe that differences can open our paths to new things, but I also think that interests are a major and natural way to connect. I found myself trying to keep a bond with someone who had no interest in the things that I have, and vice versa. Things started to feel forced. As a social phobic person, I started learning to (try) to initiate conversations here and there. I still hate it haha but some people make it easier than others. Small talk is even more difficult. I know that conversations and friendships often bud from small talk, in some cases, it never gets past that.

Just recently I felt cornered. I never do things without thinking how the other person feels first. As a result, I often carry weight of burdens that are mine, and possibly not even mine. After drowning in all kinds of thoughts and feelings, I have taken a few things away.

• I just feel more comfortable being around people who are empathetic.
• I get exhausted when people try to debate every little thing
• It’s okay to not know what to say sometimes (with certain people especially haha)
• I’m letting people push me around less and less