The Upturn

So, I finally started filming the docuseries about my experience with that LA actress I met last year, last week. It was by far the best experience of my life. I flew to florida (scared out of my mind of flying) and filmed for two days. This is just the sizzle deck so the real filming comes later. I was worried about tommy, but he was good and he took me out to dinner the last night.  I actually enjoyed his company more than expected. It felt like we were 20 and 24 again, but not homeless and in good health. We had a pretty deep talk about my relationship and the aspect of trust being broken which it sadly is. He asked me what I was doing with someone I didn’t trust, and that hit me hard.

Melissa was awesome and so was Ca, i like her better in person.  Melissa went home early which was odd, but slightly upsettling. I am learning to trust and love C. as a person although shes my partner in this and its taken a year to get this far. She is a little hard on the outside like we are, but very strong and beautiful the more you get to know her. I never assumed she would find me. After the dr. Phil show blowout I lost hope on making it to real tv. She will make it happen from what I know about her.

I got home the other day and scanned my footage. To my expensive the amazing man I’m with that cleaned, took care of the kids and did amazing completely betrayed my trust and lied to my face for the 10000th time. Then he left without much of a fight. I am a little upset, now that its been 24 hours, but i think I’m just so done at this point there isn’t much to say. My entire life will be changing which wont leave much room for him to mess up. It couldve worked out for both of us, and it was so i guess i just dont have much input. We’ve been apart most of our relationship which is sad. I remember when that psychic said we’d  spend four years going back and fourth but rarely together. I was starting to getting attached to being with him after 4 years of back and fourth. Of course i couldn’t have anything for myself and he almost ruined this whole experience for me. I don’t think he is a good person, or just not my person. He has never been my person. I kindof just want the baby to be quiet and him to either buck up or leave me alone. Some peoole just truly don’t want a family. I’ve never been his family even when he was mine. I hate being here alone after i just filmed something so important, but i guess that didn’t matter to him. I felt sad coming home, i feel sad now, i kindof always do underneath and i just want my peace back. I’m not afraid to be single. I have done it many times and I deserve healthy love.

xoxo

And I found a babysitter