Lunch Or No Lunch
This seems to happen to me a lot and I want to think that I’d be used to it already, but yet, here I am, still surprised that it is happening again. I tend to keep to myself. This is by design and for many years, it has worked for me.
About a month ago and even before Christopher’s memorial, Carmen seemed to want to make it a priority that she and I make arrangements to have lunch together so that we could catch up. We hadn’t really connected for over five years, being that she left my office in late 2017 and we seemingly went our separate ways. Sure, we’d play Words With Friends daily, but it was rare that we would even use the game’s chat feature. Even our text messages had slowed to a crawl, to where eventually, these soon became non-existent.
Late this past week, I thought that I would try to flush her out, not so much so that we could do that lunch that she had hyped up weeks earlier, but so that she could help me out again with some work-related stuff. Whether or not the lunch happens really isn’t that important to me. I figure that she wanted to talk and by hanging out for work purposes, we would at least have the chance to do just that while we were on the road.
Apparently, she was out of town yesterday, so she didn’t have her calendar readily available to her. She said that she would get back to me on Monday or early next week. As it stands, I am not holding my breath.
I need to be more noncommittal with it comes to stuff like this. I need to care less or really, not at all. I can eat lunch by myself. I tend to eat alone most days during the work week anyway. It’s just food and with my minimal appetite, it’s not a big deal. I’m nauseous most days anyway.
The more that I think about it, the better I feel about being an introvert and shying away from others. People tend to get my hopes up. People make me think that I’m more important to them than I really am or even need to be. I need to get back into the mindset that I don’t need validation from anyone else. I just need to continue being me, without allowing others to influence that.