I Can’t Fix Me.

I’m really down today.  Probably the saddest I’ve been in a while.  I’ve just come to the conclusion that it seems like I care way more about everyone else than they care about me.  I fucking hate it.  And the shit that happened with Troy and Otha… a lot of days, I try to push it to the back of my mind.  But every once in a while, I’ll start really thinking about it.  And I keep asking myself, “What is it?  What is it that is so wrong with me, that people literally change their minds about me overnight?”  What did I do wrong?  Am I too weird?  Too ugly?  Too fat?  It feels like there is something seriously wrong with me, because the people I want don’t want me back, and I feel like that says a lot about me.

Troy used me AGAIN.  It happened almost exactly the same way it did 4 years ago.  He used me, then doesn’t care if he never talks to me again.  He wouldn’t give a shit if I were alive or dead.  And why did Otha act so interested in me?  Why did HE initiate the flirting?  Why did HE kiss ME, then act like it never happened?  I don’t fucking understand.  I don’t get people.  What was the purpose of that?  Why act interested in someone, then pull the rug out from underneath them?  What was the fucking point of it?  Just to mess with me?  Just to boost your fucking ego for one night?   What is that?  I don’t understand.  And it’s really fucking bugging me.  It makes me feel so sad and depressed.  It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to live.

And any friends I have, it seems like I make more effort.  I am the one that asks to hang out.  I am the one who usually reaches out.  I just don’t feel like a good person.  I feel like there’s something wrong with me that everyone can see.  I don’t feel special to anyone.  I don’t feel loved.  It doesn’t feel like anyone would care if I disappeared or died.  I feel like a burden.  I’m just super down and it feels like I can’t do anything to fix it.  I can’t fix me.