Revisiting Nina

For the longest time, I had avoided reestablishing contact with any of my ex-girlfriends.  I had always prided myself on burning those bridges, never ever to return to them again.  My mentality was fairly simple.  Why would I reach out to any woman I dated, being that those relationships had ended?  Those relationships ended for a reason.  I had no reason to explore the potential of rekindling any of those relationships, out of fear and concern that whatever problems contributed to those breakups would undoubtedly rear their ugly heads again.  Maybe people change?  I’m willing to concede that, but then again, what about the potential for someone to remain the same and not make any changes in the time since we dated?

Sometime ago, I reached out to Nina.  I did so pretty much on a whim, but also with the mentality of, “I wonder what this is going to lead to”.  I had no expectations.  I was goofing around on google.com one night and for whatever the reason, I tossed her full legal name into the search engine and stumbled upon what I believed was her contact information.  I saw the phone number and after mulling it over for nearly two hours, I finally made the decision to send her a text message.

The opening text message was hardly eloquent and more direct than anything else.

“Hello, Nina?”

A conversation ensued not long thereafter, that is, after I told her who I was.

“A blast from your past…this is Visionary”.

We texted back and forth for about three hours, reminiscing and exchanging stories about how our lives have gone since we broke up in May 2002.  We shared a lot of memories, as well as various tales about much of what had happened to us in the past 21 years.  Things had actually been going well as we conversed and I actually believed that what I had done, on a whim, was wholly worthwhile.  I had actually wondered why I hadn’t mustered the courage to do this years earlier.  Nina and I had even spoken about that, why I had reached out when I did and perhaps, why I didn’t do it sooner.  I told her that I was on google.com earlier that night and I randomly decided to look her up.  At the time, she seemed to be appreciative of the gesture and harbored absolutely no ill will towards me whatsoever.

That would all change the following day, when we not only spoke on the phone, but when we continued our chat through text message.  You see, Nina was my second relationship overall and my first relationship that was not long-distance.  We were young when we were in that relationship between 2000-2002 and we both acknowledged it.  I’m not going to imply or suggest that even at that young age, that I was not without faults or challenges.  I had issues then.  I still have issues now.  One of the biggest problems that Nina had when we were dating was that she was very, very jealous.  I don’t know if she ever overcame this, but it was a major problem then.  It was so bad that it forced me into making a decision about us, one that would change the course of both of our lives.

When Nina and I were together, my career working with people was just getting underway.  She knew that I would be working mostly with women.  I had told her this repeatedly.  Months into my career and even before I had completed my entire training regimen, Nina had convinced herself that I was cheating on her with a female co-worker, one with whom I had gotten close while she and I were in training.  Nina hated April.  In the interest of remaining transparent with Nina, I casually mentioned April to her, telling her how we were doing in training, how we were growing tired of the experience, and how we wanted to start working officially.  I had even told Nina that once training ended, April and I would be working in different offices.  Nina did not care.  April and I had not done anything of a sexual nature, but in Nina’s mind, we already had.

On the day we broke up and before she made the decision to move out, she had presented me with an ultimatum.  She had asked me, in a very serious and genuine tone…

“Do you want me to leave?”

She had put me on the spot with that one.  She made me make a decision right then and there, with little time to process it.  I had seconds to make that call.  I only thought about the jealousy thing and how it could have impacted my life, both personally and professionally.

“Yes, I want you to go”.

Minutes later, she was on the phone with her mother and in just under two hours, her mother and an uncle had arrived to pack up her things so that she could vacate the apartment.  I didn’t time how long it took them to pack up her stuff, but eventually, she was gone.

When I had reconnected with Nina, this breakup sequence came up and we spoke about it for the first time since it happened.  She didn’t want to leave that day.  She was happy with the life that she and I had carved out for ourselves at the time and in an instant, it all came to an end.  I thought that she was over it, but the longer that she and I communicated again, I could tell that she was still very upset with me over the decision I had made that day.  I had told her that I wasn’t sure I could deal with the severity of her jealousy, as I had anticipated that as the years would have progressed, her jealousy would have just gotten worse.  She said that she was well aware that she was jealous then and she explained to me why she was like that.  Nina told me that what I perceived to be jealousy was actually just her way of “protecting what [she] loved”.  She was afraid of losing me to someone else.  I understood the logic of what she told me and I couldn’t argue it.  I told her that I truly wished that she would have told me that before she left and before she moved out that day.  As I processed what she told me, a part of me started to think about what might have been had she told me that years ago, back when it would have really mattered.  She and I could have been together today.

As we spoke on Day 2, Nina seemed to have second thoughts about wanting to maintain contact with me, even as friends, and she abruptly told me that she would prefer that we not speak anymore or remain in contact in any capacity.  She asked that I not call or text her anymore and in respecting those wishes, I have left her alone.  In an effort not to overthink this situation, I hadn’t put too much thought as to why she made that decision.

For a brief moment, it felt good to reconnect with a woman with whom I was in a relationship and who I truly loved.  In thinking about it now, a part of me will always love Nina.  She accounted for a short time of my life, but one that I will always remember.  I know that we were young at the time, but I can’t help but think that maybe we could have been together and patched things up had we communicated more before we finally parted ways.

One of Nina’s parting shots was quick, but very true, at least in her mind.  She told me, “Everyone is jealous”.  While I won’t dispute Nina’s words of wisdom, I can only imagine how our lives would have turned out had she been able to control her own jealousy and not let it consume her.