Back in the blue

Yesterday hit me hard for some reason, more than just the sadness of it. It’s been playing on my mind today.

I don’t even know where or how to start a new life. I mean I’m struggling and getting on, but personally I’m lonely and have no clue where to start.

The dating sites suck. I feel horrible saying this but the only people who seem attracted to me are just ugly or scammers.

I’m not a bar person and I am in a managerial role and have to have a friendly distance from my workers. Who are all essentially 30 years younger than me.

I think I’ve been broken beyond fixing. I just want to exist and be done with it. Not one attractive women has reached out on the dating sites. No old friends have reached out. My sister talks to me because I am conveniently close to take the boys to all the stuff she arranges for them.

And then there’s Patty. How does someone change so drastically when there just wasn’t bad times? How do you have 4 children and a pretty trouble free marriage and just give it up without a second try or regrets? It’s hard to think it’s not me when she did that and I’m so alone and just seem attractive enough to pull women who have let themselves go.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life. Some horrible shit has happen over the last 4 years to me it would be nice if the pendulum started swinging the other way and all the “it gets better” could finally happen.

Eventhough my rambles here makes it sound as if I just whine, I don’t. I have put in the effort. The prayers, the exercises,  the mental centering, and the positive thoughts.

I guess I am beyond fixable. Patty didn’t want me, but she didn’t want me to be anything for anyone else.