~ Choices

In December I did a *Brian thing. On December 10th Brian and I attended a Christmas Party. Most everyone who was there knows me. There were a few who didn’t but we have seen each other at other Functions. One of them is a Woman I have seen but never met. We chatted for quite sometime. Her husband and her and me and mine. She told us she had 3 Boys. She said that she didn’t know what God was thinking because she was a very Girly Girl and didn’t get any Girl Babies so she made the best of the Boy Babies. She talked about how she really got into all the things that her Boys did. Then she looked at me and asked if we had any Kids. I said what Brian always says…. *We have a Daughter”.

I wanted to tell her I have a Son too but then wasn’t the time. We were all laughing and having Fun at this Party. It wasn’t the time at all to insert about my Son.

My stating that I have a Daughter (& stopping there) sounded like Brian. That is exactly what he would of said had the question been directed at him. (This is not a subject he is willing to share with everyone he meets. Most people he has association with don’t know he had a child who died. Death is an uncomfortable subject to many and why watch them squire. People get tongue tied and converstation turns uncomfortably quiet. There is a time and place to share this).

I just thought it was interesting. I didn’t feel bad, but it was a first of not sharing that we have 2 children and Blah Blah Blah.

It was worth Noting on here so I have. I do plan to get together with her some time and tell her otherwise.

Several months ago I was in Albertsons. As I was walking out, there was a Older Lady sitting on the bench. Maybe she wasn’t all that old but her Body Language made her look old. Her Body Language & Dress also made her look some what Poor.  Her head was down. There was no Smile. She looked Depressed or in Pain.

I have thought about people like that whom you see on the streets and I think.. Could they of ever envisioned that THIS would be their Life when they were 10 years old? Of course not. At 10 years old they probably knew that THIS would not be a path they would travel. Maybe at 25 they never envisioned that THIS would be a Path they would travel.

At 47 years old I know that I want to be the one who seems approachable. I want to be the one who when people see, they see Hope. They see.. Ok ya got kicked in the teeth but Life goes on and lets make the best of it.
(Since Natah died, I have days when I just can’t smile.. I don’t know if it is still grief related or not).
About a week later I was in Wal-mart… I was feeling good. As I walked through Wal-mart, my smile slowly faded.
I was now in the Check-Out-Line. A Mom and her baby Boy in front of me. Cute kid. I watched him for the longest time. He amused me, only the look on my face could of never proved it. By the time the Mother and I’s eye balls met, I was Scowling. She kept looking up at me and I kept Scowling. I just could not smile.
By the time I walked out of there about 4 hours later (looking for clothes always takes me alot of time), I felt depressed.

It made me think back to that woman on the bench. I was her.

It has happened several times and probably happened more than of late but I never realized what was going on. I think shopping has to do with the fact that I missed Shopping with Nathan. I had Fond Lasting memories. He was always Helpful. Almost trying to be *the Man*. When I shop  in other stores I am in and out, but Shopping at Wal-mart always takes TIME. In Walmart I am always making Choices. I hate Choices since Nathan Died. I want no part of it.

I have come to the realization that Spending Money is Fun but Shopping Depresses me.