~Don’t take it personal

I was going through some boxes when I came across this writing That I must of wrote within the 1st year after my son died that I either said, or gave a copy to.. or maybe I never did to my Neighbor.. Anyways this is what I said:

“Just to let you know, I didn’t mean anything Negative by what I said the other day.

If you want to think I don’t like you then that’s your Business, but personally I find that thought Completely Childish!!!

I have found in the past months that when I don’t feel like doing something, I’M-NOT-GOING-TO-DO-IT!

There have been a few times I have done something when I didn’t want to and I HATED IT!

Now I didn’t say anything about not coming over. I don’t know WHEN I might because I have been busy lately…. But let me tell you… THIS Street actually runs both ways. It just doesn’t run to your house.

So you ask about getting together and doing something. Well, I don’t want to go out to Lunch… And I don’t want to go to Bingo… And I don’t want to go Shopping with anyone but me… So what’s left?
I don’t have any real reason I don’t want to do this or that, I Just DON’T want to.

I’m sorry if that hurts you or whatever. I just can’t help the way I feel.

So, DON’T take it personal.”

Wow, I feel bad she felt Snubbed. I hope she understood my Grief and my need for when I wasn’t attending Bible Study, Teaching my Class and Volunteering, that I needed time for SELF. In this Writing it seems like I was Frustrated at her thoughts that I must not like her. She was/is a Loner Clingy person so there were times I was her only Friend. There was times after my Son died that I couldn’t be there for her in the same way I was before. Or I could but I no longer wanted to be. Life didn’t seem to be about others, it was then only about ME. In Grief I became somewhat Selfish for a Season or so. Maybe that is how it is..

I got this Writing called: “I’m a Griever” I sense Frustration in the Writer’s Words. I like that she said: “I don’t know why I feel like I do.. I JUST DO”

“I AM SOME ONE YOU KNOW…

A Friend, a loved one, an aquaintance, a co-worker, your neighbor, a member of your Church

I MAY BE…

Disorganized, despondent, frustrated, angry, fearful, loney, disorientaed, intensely sad, wounded, weary,

and a myriad of other things.

I DON’T KNOW WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO…

I just do!

I CAN’T BE WHO I ONCE USED TO BE…

Or how I once as cause my life has changed— even if yours hasn’t

I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME…

To expect me to be is a terrible injustice.

I CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS…

I don’t have the answer’s myself like- Why are you having a hard time still? (after a week, month or year).

AND I CANNOT GO ON AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED…

Or get instantly better – to make you more comfortable

I AM A GRIEVER!

AND I AM SUFFERING A TERRIBLE LOSS…

My loved one can’t be replaced, nor can it be made *Better

by a few clumsy words or a sermon from a well meaning spectator.

I NEED…

You to listen, not talk – heartfelt words – not trite, meaningless saying like-

*I know how you feel*, or *Their better Off*

I WANT…

You to walk beside me and to be there no matter what, without judgement or non-solocited advice.

To accept me where I am and not make me where you want me to be for your own comfort sake.

I NEED TO SEE…

The uncanditional love of Jesus – reflected in the life of another.

And with HIS Love and yours and in my OWN TIME, and my OWN PACE,

I WILL GO ON