~Different Paths

I attend a Mom’s Grief Group Meeting. I have been attending these since June, every other Tuesday. I started going cause I was new here and wanted some friends; I felt I could be able to relate well to these people; I started going cause I wanted to give them HOPE that Life without their Child could be good again.

The women in this Group are at various levels of Grief. Various Years of Grief too. For some Women it has been even longer than me. It’s amazing to me how I still seem to stand out as very different. I wonder at times if I even belong in this Group. I seem so far beyond them in my Grief.

About 6 weeks ago the Leader read off some stages of Grief and then went around the room asing everyone where they were at. A few were at the last level.. Then it was my turn. I said I wasn’t at any of the levels. I KNOW I am at some level but what was read off of *The Levels, I was not at. (I think there must of been a few Levels left off that list). When I went home I got to thinking that every Woman there including me, had to be asking, “Then, Why are you here?” By my answer I shared, I sealed it so IF I ever had a Down moment, I could never share cause I got to keep up The Wall of having it all together. I don’t want to appear contridictory.

This one woman asked…… So how long does it take for life to be less intense. This other woman who lost her child 16 years ago said, “well it takes about 7 years to begin to feel that life is good again” The color drained from the other woman’s face. She was shocked about the 7 year remark. I’m sitting there shaking my head. It SO irked me that she could possibly THINK she could give a time frame. You can’t because everyone is Different! For me, Less Intense happened gradually over several years. For me, I saw a different difference between third and fourth years. At the fifth year I could say/voice that Life was good again. However, that doesn’t mean that everyone can feel the same as I did at those times.

I am a low Emotional person and when I feel emotional I don’t allow others to see my Emotions. I feel I allowed God to Carry me & Yet I wonder about me.
BECAUSE-
I was not one to wonder WHY ME?
I was not one to Blame God, or the Doctors.
I was not one to get Angry.
I was not one to get Depressed.
I slept well and ate Normally.

I am Surprised at the place these ladies are still at in their Grief at 7 years or 10 years or 16 years. Some of them still have hard days their Birthdays or on the Heaven Date. Some of them still get teary eyed when talking about their Child.. and not to say that you don’t have your Moments but…….. Well actually what it does for me is make me question me.

I have struggled for several months now weather I should still attend these things. I really don’t belong there. I really don’t. Twice now I have seen someone come through, who seemed to have it all together like me. I was usually quiet those nights and these two women made a statement that they didn’t feel they fit in with the rest of the group because they were not where we all seemed to be at. Those Ladies never returned and didn’t stay long enough for me to tell them that I could relate… Now they came for a Purpose… and had I spoke up they would of known that they could of fit in with the group… So I guess for that reason alone I guess I should continue to attend the group.

As long as I live here I will probably never quit going……