Missing my brother

There are days where I feel like I can breath easy and then there are days I feel like I’m fighting hard just to take a short breath more or less breathe at all. I cannot say it was always this way, although way back then I would have told you different. What I thought I knew then was nothing compared to what I was going to learn later on. To be honest if I could go back to those times I thought were so bad as a kid I would in a heart beat. I do not wish to lose the things I have now but I wish nothing more to have back the people who are no longer here.

February 10, 2021, is a date I will never forget and I will dread it every year for the rest of my life. The day my little brother took his last breath and I got the phone call I never wanted to get. I remember so much about that night and yet so little at the same time.

I remember seeing my phone ringing and seeing my little sisters name on the screen of my phone. I remember her voice, oh the sound of the heart ache in her voice. The peer devasting tone that came through on the phone, I don’t remember everything she said but the words “he’s gone, their taking him out of the house” play in my head over and over again when it becomes to quiet. I think at first it didn’t register but deep down I knew the moment I saw her name on my phone so late something was wrong.

When my phone goes off anytime late at night I feel my chest tighten and I’m always waiting for that tone, that heart wrenching crying tone. It’s made me very protective of my little sister now. Really its made me very protective of both of my sisters, even with one sister being older than me.

I think back on that night so much and more so when I am by my self. I cannot help it, I feel angry because I don’t know what happened that night and I know I never will. Even my younger sister who was there doesn’t know what happened that night. Everyone of course has their own version of what they think happened.

I remember before going over that I had to pick up my older sister and I remember being mad because all I wanted to do was get to the house and be with our little sister. I also remember having to remind my self to watch my driving because the roads were covered in snow. Although I don’t remember ever feeling cold that night, I don’t remember feeling much of anything. I remember my whole body felt numb that night.

The worst part was having to tell my daughter that her uncle was gone. Oh the heart break that hit my poor little girl. As a mother it was so hard to sit with her while she cried because I couldn’t even do anything to make it better for her because I couldn’t even make  it better for my self.

I think since then I hold this anger inside me because my brother being gone is so unfair. It’s not okay and life just isn’t the same anymore without him. I always feel like a piece of me is just missing no matter what. I don’t really talk about those feelings with anyone because well I guess I just feel like their my thoughts and feelings and I’m not willing to always share them.

My brother was someone truly amazing, he may not have been a perfect person but he was the greatest brother and friend anyone could have asked for. He was also such an amazing father even with not having the best role model.  I would give just about anything to have him back, he had so much still to do in life. It was all cut way to soon and I don’t know if I could have ever prepared for it even if I was told ahead of time.