What chapter is this?

^{Oh how the years have passed.}

^{They’ve gone and went away.. so many things changed and happened.} 

^{Too many stories for one “diary” entry. No that, would tarnish the good moments and blur the bad. Wasteful for such memories and lessons of the game we all play called, Life.} 

^{And did any of us consent? Can we debate this? Are we allowed to reclaim those moments we were never given but promised? The times we wanted but couldn’t claim? The ones we loved and lossed.. in multiple definitions?} 

^{At any rate, I spent a huge chunk of time trying to lock myself away and do what I thought was the right thing to do. The responsible, and moral thing to do.  But did that grant me happiness? Did it help me love myself the way I did when I thought I had it so terrible (shout out to my high school)?! It sure did not.} 

^{And I did everything “right”. I did what was asked of me, and what I was told was the right thing. I always felt numb, I always felt like; “will I ever be good enough? Who tf am I even? What tf am I doing? Why can’t I seem to figure it out or know the answers?!” Till it drove me crazy. Let’s be real, it drove me to depression. I was an empty shell, still with my bubbly outward appearance, (mostly, or when I could mask,)  but unable to do anything for myself, for my family, for the house I helped decorate and design. I was sleeping while awake.}

^{I was on top at one point. Or what I was under the impression was the top… my dreams coming true and a happy family to boot. A beautiful house, a grand job -one I was dedicating myself to retire with-… oh was I blissfully unaware of what was to come.}  

^{The dominos always come crashing down, don’t they? That’s the whole design of it, right?} 

^{I mean I always had a feeling, spend plenty of nights crying and asking myself why I put up with the bs I was justifying to my friend circle. “Why do I lie? You know what they would tell you if they knew the truth” and I was never physically harmed, that I would not have put up with, but mentally I had been completely drained. I questioned EVERY move I made and EVERY action I took, it almost became easier to not do things, and deal with the aftermath because I could predict that. I realize how stupid it sounds. — and I told myself all the ways it was. Reminders are good, keeps me grounded.} 

And it’s never an easy thing to say goodbye, and even harder when you have to keep it all inside through 3 holidays and my very own birthday. The news given to you on a day your excitement is through the roof. ▪︎just to add to the whole ordeal of it, I suppose. 

But I’m not angry anymore. I’m not sad, well not in the usual way. Sad that I allowed it for so long, sad that I allowed it to lose myself. That I lost myself at all. 

Today is different tho. And I don’t want this to be just a deep and depressing  entry. 

It is my homecoming afterall. 

The main reason I decided to write again was because when it read my old entries, I realised how much energy I had, how alive I was. How my openess was my own version of therapy for not just myself,  but for others around me too. 

So I want to write more and let things get removed from being left in a dark space till it gets overfilled and needs to be purged. 

^_^ 

I am smiling more, and feeling happier than I ever have and I don’t really want it to stop so I’m hoping this “diary” will keep me grounded. 

♡ always to all my friends 

~*~